That Guilty Feeling (April 11, 2016)

Not sure

If others can understand

The viscous impact

That violence has

Upon one's life.

(Whether

Sexually  psychologically

Or physically)

Even now

Many years later.

Still

Find myself

Easily being triggered

By these memories

From my past.

No amount

Of hot water and soap

Or drowning my body

In the bathtub.

Will remove

These mortal stains

From my soul.

Although

I know

These experiences

Aren't my fault.

And yet

Somehow

I feel responsible

For what happened

During these assaults

Upon me.

In feeling guilty

For them

Happening.

As if

I had done

Or acted

Differently.

I would be spared

These traumatic

Experiences.

But

I know

Nothing can change

Those violent events

From occurring.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note:  On Saturday, April 9, 2016, I began a new blog, which I posted the first letter that I have written, to my younger self, as a 15 year old, about the abuse that would happen me, during that Summer. Must warn anyone that reads this, it's filled with some graphic physical violence, and may act, as a trigger, for some. Sadly, I triggered myself, today. The following is a link, to the first post of the new blog. http://munsentletters.blogspot.ca/2016/04/summer-of-1985.html
Am working on, another letter to myself, which covers the period of my self-discovery and coming out, after years of self-denial. Not sure, when I be able to post it, as it took me, about a month, of writing daily, to do the first letter.


Please, don't thrown off, by the male name that appears in the letter's greeting, as that was my name, my parents gave me, at birth. An Angolized version, of one of my dad's brothers' Dutch name, who died, during an asthma attack, choking on phlegm, in his wife's arms.