Saturday 29 December 2018

Colonial Barriers (December 23, 2018)

Why conformity
Needing to control
All facets of our lives?

As if
Being different
Punishable mortal sin.

Are we
So sidetracked
Selling our souls
For instant gratification?

Working ourselves
An early death
Denying life pleasures.

Monocultural society
Adverse to risk taking
At any level.

Death within.

Little corporate drones
Dress and thought
Interchangeable palate
Blandville galore.

Priding themselves
Elitist caste system
Of ethnicity/religion.

Not understanding
Why communities devolved
Warzones of racial hatred.

Where God is
A bullet fired
In ignorance/rage.

Nothing is sacred

Only sound
Weeping mothers collapsing
Into loved ones’ arms
Burying children.

Therisa © 2018

The Dreaded Talk (December 22, 2018)

Stand before you
Trying to read
Your body language
And failing.

Having shared
My deepest truth
Who I am.

Many would label me
Mentally ill.

Doing nothing
Is killing me
Each passing day.

It's not a fad
Or sexual fetish
Just whom I am.

With or without
Your approval
And support
I must go forward.

Living my life
As meant to
Of our relationship.

You'll blame yourself
In my need for change

Please understand
Nothing you have done
Or didn't do
Has cause this.

I'll always love you
No matter
Your answer.

Therisa © 2018

Author’s note: Whether we label ourselves; as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.
The hardest thing is coming out of the closet to our love ones and friends. I say this, from
very personal experience of outing myself to my mom, on July 1, 2006 (Canada Day). I
wasn’t prepared for her sudden arrival at my apartment, having promising me that she
would leave alone on for the holiday long weekend. I tried to explain, her eldest “son”
was her “daughter” that nature had denied her, so cruelly with a stillborn birth, before me.

Being depressed, in my default emotional state. In the past decade, I have been depressed,
even though, I have taken several different types of antidepressant. At one time, it was a
cocktail of 4 different drugs. Sadly, my body reacted strongly against most of these

Her outright rejection, fueled by ignorance and fear, tipped me, into a month long suicidal
depression that almost ended my life, on July 3rd and 4th, as I reached out to a friend. Who
spent several hours over the phone, talking. Walking me back, from the ledge that I was
going to end my life, with a sharp object, in the bathtub.

Living With Darkness (December 20, 2018)

Chaotic thoughts riot
Across soulscape
Smoke and ash
Fill cerebral skies.

Raging without mercy
No quarters given
Nor asked.

Only answer
Outright victory
Regardless of cost.

Total war.

There's no winners
Only degrees of losers.

Forced to rebuild
On tainted land
Memories of dark past.

Death seemed
Perfect solution
For soul’s peace
So long ago.

Ending this destructive loop
My life has become.

Breaking these walls
That imprison me
In despair.

Therisa © 2018

Author's note: This holiday season, will mark 8 years, since my last suicide attempt. Although, my suicidal thoughts, are never silent. For the most part, they are background noise that I'm able to ignore. Still I have to be careful with, where I'm at physically. So that I don't accidental hurt myself.

Before you ask, my prolonged bout of depression continues. So hard to remember the last time that I wasn't depressed, to some degree. Equilibrium seems so far away, like a fantasy story told to children.

Saturday 15 December 2018

Stand My Ground (April 2, 2008)

Days of passively watching
The world move around me
Like one of the horses
On a merry-go-round
Are over.

Learning to be more assertive
Take control over my life
Guiding the direction
Which i choose to walk.

Instead of being told
This is the way
Don't question this
By other people.

Never realizing
I'm giving up control
Over my life.

This simple act of passivity
Afraid of making mistakes
Wanting to be perfect
Not drawing negative attention
To myself.

Those days of hiding
Are over
Emerging from my shadow
A new and whole person.

Willing to take risks
Accepting the possibility of
Falling upon my face
But i'll living my life
Not someone's else. 

Therisa © 2008

Author's note: Another poem from my Poetry Morgue.

Friday 14 December 2018

Do They Know, Its Christmastime? (December 14, 2018)

In my dreams
Christmas Ghosts visit me
Like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Not foreboding warning
Change my ways
Else death.

Healing mission
To undo damage done.

Where abuse/ignorance
Have taken their toll.

Unknowingly struggling
With mental illness
Unable to explain
In proper words.

Anxiety/panic attacks
With large crowds
In a small place.

Need for silence
Or empty space
Nowhere to be found.

Easily mistaken
As anti-social.

Oma and opa’s place
Small two bedroom

Refusal to go
Gravest insult
To dad.

By spanking
Any blocking attempts
Increased intensity.

Told stop crying
Or given reason to cry.

Increased explosions
Of my younger brother’s
Anger and hate.

Disrupting festival feelings
Spotlighting him.

As an adult
Fear his reaction.

Would Mr Hyde
Or Dr Jekyll
Show up.

Like his angry refusal
Of gift certificate
From a store
He shops.

He would attack me
In a murderous rage
Torn the certificate
In half.

Less than
Two years later
I broke off
All relationship.

Not sure
A successful mission
Given the baggage
I carry.

Can only hope.

Therisa © 2018

Author’s note: In the Christian world, this is the time for peace and good will to all. Yet, for many people, it’s a time of violence and abuse, which they have no avenue for their escape, from this world of hate. For me, escape was time and distance, from my disruptive past. Still, I carry the scars and bruises from this time, on my body and soul.

Monday 10 December 2018

Special Request For Santa (December 10, 2008)

Dear Santa Claws;

My name is Venus
An eight month old kitten
My friend Therisa
Is writing this
Pen is too hard
To grip.

I wish you
Would bring me
Several Catnip filled toys
So i don't have to share
With my brother

Huge bottle of Catnip
Please pretty please
Totally love it
More salmon and sardines
Never get enough.

As Therisa eats
Most of the sardines
She's evil
But i love her.

Your friend


P.S. Santa
This is Venus' first Christmas
Could you make it
Special for her

Thanking you
In advance,


Therisa © 2008

Randomness (December 8, 2018)

Random letters form
Not sure
Where they'll lead
Or take me.

Calling my soul
Pulling tugging forwards.

Journey of self-discovery
And exploration
What it means
To be me.

Feeling towards myself
Or others.

Confronting monsters
Who hide behind
Sweetest of lies
Entrapping innocence.

Speaking words
Best ignored.

Others watch
Interested glee
Craving failure.


Signing death warrant.

Not prepared to do
Just yet.

Maybe tomorrow
Or day after.

Not today.

Therisa © 2018

Author's note: A 22 minute conscious (or unconscious) writing exercise, as I waited for the frozen vegetarian lasagna to cook.

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