In my dreams
Christmas Ghosts visit me
Like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Not foreboding warning
Change my ways
Else death.
Rather
Healing mission
To undo damage done.
Where abuse/ignorance
Have taken their toll.
Unknowingly struggling
With mental illness
Unable to explain
In proper words.
Anxiety/panic attacks
With large crowds
In a small place.
Need for silence
Or empty space
Nowhere to be found.
Easily mistaken
As anti-social.
Oma and opa’s place
Small two bedroom
Bungalow.
Refusal to go
Gravest insult
To dad.
Punishable
By spanking
Any blocking attempts
Increased intensity.
Told stop crying
Or given reason to cry.
Overlapping
Increased explosions
Of my younger brother’s
Anger and hate.
Disrupting festival feelings
Spotlighting him.
Even
As an adult
Fear his reaction.
Would Mr Hyde
Or Dr Jekyll
Show up.
Like his angry refusal
Of gift certificate
From a store
He shops.
Thought
He would attack me
In a murderous rage
Torn the certificate
In half.
Less than
Two years later
I broke off
All relationship.
Not sure
A successful mission
Given the baggage
I carry.
Can only hope.
Therisa © 2018
Author’s note: In the Christian world, this is the time for peace and good will to all. Yet, for many people, it’s a time of violence and abuse, which they have no avenue for their escape, from this world of hate. For me, escape was time and distance, from my disruptive past. Still, I carry the scars and bruises from this time, on my body and soul.
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