Summer Of '85, Revisited (November 26, 2018)

Warning: May contain scenes and situations that are triggers.

You think

By now

Summer of “85

Be distance memory.

Sadly not.

Too many tangled knots

Need straightening out

And secrets share

To move on.

Never shall.

Toxic relationship

Between mom

Younger brother

And I.

Wanting real reason

For the shitstorm

Returning home

Visiting family

In Alberta.

Special relationship

Peanut and dad had

Can only dream of.

How it changed

Seeing dad

In a CCU bed

Wired with cables and tubes.

First heart attack

We know of

On Canada Day.

Born premature

Peanut is a narcissist

Sought our parents’ spotlight

Finding things easy.

Attacked me

All ways

Except sexually.

Blame myself

Too weak to stop him.

Enrage berserker

In 12 year old body

Fueled by caffeine and sugar

Needing two adult males

To restrain him.

Several times

Tried to kill me

Coming behind

Pushing my body

Down stairs.

Before jumping

Several stairs above

My prone body

On the landing below.

Only mom’s shielding me

Prevented him

Crushing my ribs

Under his flying body.

Could have

Puncture lungs/heart

Sanguinating

Before help arrives.

Why did mom tell me

Don’t call the police

But allowed a neighbour?

Clearly

Peanut was

Out of control

Beyond our ability

To help.

Scared

CAS would take

Peanut and I?

Judging her

An unfit parent

Juggling a job

Raising two children

With a sick husband.

What really ticked off

This walking time bomb

Of hate?

In Peanut’s

Abnormal display

Of violent grief

To dad’s hospitalization.

Understand

His not wanting

To visit dad.

Not personalized nature

Of the attacks

On mom and I.

Looking back

This has all of the markings

Of mom trying to protect me

In her shielding of reality.

Like I’m 4 years old

Coming upstairs

With mouth blown open

From electrical burn.

My first words

“Dad had a heart attack”

Upon meeting mom

At the airport arrivals.

Not hello

Or hi mom.

Mom hates driving

On the 400 series highways

Does anything to avoid them.

And yet

She’s picking me up

With a neighbour.

Sigh.

Just adding

2 +2

And getting 4.

Will admit

My immaturity

Didn’t help mom.

Silently

Struggling with gender identity

Learning disabilities

Undiagnosed PTSD anxiety

And depression.

Just every day

Teenage angst issues

Nothing more.

Therisa © 2018

Author’s note:

Peanut: Nickname that my parents give to my brother, due to his small size, as the result of
his premature birth. He hates it, with a passion. Reason that I use it. Also, I don’t like using
his birth name, as it’s a very common name.

Canada Day: July 1st. Celebrating the British North American Act, which united the
colonies of Upper and Lower Canada, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, as the Dominion of
Canada.

CCU: Critical Care Unit, in the hospital.

CAS: Children Aid Society. They look after children, who are taken into care, for various
reasons.

Have written this, attempting to understand, why I blame myself for the evil done that
summer. Even now, am fighting back the tears of shame and pain, I have so long
suppressed behind mental walls. Obeying mom’s request, not to tell anyone, until decades
later. When I needed to share this, in my trans support group. Was truly shock, one member
wanted to punch out my brother, for the things that he did to mom and I. Never had anyone
react like this, in my defense before.

As much, as I don’t want to, I need to share with you, the poem that sparked this emotional
output and still haunts me, Summer of ‘85: Season in Hell, which I wrote, in 2012. Be warn,
should you read it, this poem may contain triggers, for those, who are abuse survivors, as
it did to myself.