Warning: May contain scenes and situations that are triggers.
You think
By now
Summer of “85
Be distance memory.
Sadly not.
Too many tangled knots
Need straightening out
And secrets share
To move on.
Never shall.
Toxic relationship
Between mom
Younger brother
And I.
Wanting real reason
For the shitstorm
Returning home
Visiting family
In Alberta.
Special relationship
Peanut and dad had
Can only dream of.
How it changed
Seeing dad
In a CCU bed
Wired with cables and tubes.
First heart attack
We know of
On Canada Day.
Born premature
Peanut is a narcissist
Sought our parents’ spotlight
Finding things easy.
Attacked me
All ways
Except sexually.
Blame myself
Too weak to stop him.
Enrage berserker
In 12 year old body
Fueled by caffeine and sugar
Needing two adult males
To restrain him.
Several times
Tried to kill me
Coming behind
Pushing my body
Down stairs.
Before jumping
Several stairs above
My prone body
On the landing below.
Only mom’s shielding me
Prevented him
Crushing my ribs
Under his flying body.
Could have
Puncture lungs/heart
Sanguinating
Before help arrives.
Why did mom tell me
Don’t call the police
But allowed a neighbour?
Clearly
Peanut was
Out of control
Beyond our ability
To help.
Scared
CAS would take
Peanut and I?
Judging her
An unfit parent
Juggling a job
Raising two children
With a sick husband.
What really ticked off
This walking time bomb
Of hate?
In Peanut’s
Abnormal display
Of violent grief
To dad’s hospitalization.
Understand
His not wanting
To visit dad.
Not personalized nature
Of the attacks
On mom and I.
Looking back
This has all of the markings
Of mom trying to protect me
In her shielding of reality.
Like I’m 4 years old
Coming upstairs
With mouth blown open
From electrical burn.
My first words
“Dad had a heart attack”
Upon meeting mom
At the airport arrivals.
Not hello
Or hi mom.
Mom hates driving
On the 400 series highways
Does anything to avoid them.
And yet
She’s picking me up
With a neighbour.
Sigh.
Just adding
2 +2
And getting 4.
Will admit
My immaturity
Didn’t help mom.
Silently
Struggling with gender identity
Learning disabilities
Undiagnosed PTSD anxiety
And depression.
Just every day
Teenage angst issues
Nothing more.
Therisa © 2018
Author’s note:
Peanut: Nickname that my parents give to my brother, due to his small size, as the result of
his premature birth. He hates it, with a passion. Reason that I use it. Also, I don’t like using
his birth name, as it’s a very common name.
Canada Day: July 1st. Celebrating the British North American Act, which united the
colonies of Upper and Lower Canada, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, as the Dominion of
Canada.
CCU: Critical Care Unit, in the hospital.
CAS: Children Aid Society. They look after children, who are taken into care, for various
reasons.
Have written this, attempting to understand, why I blame myself for the evil done that
summer. Even now, am fighting back the tears of shame and pain, I have so long
suppressed behind mental walls. Obeying mom’s request, not to tell anyone, until decades
later. When I needed to share this, in my trans support group. Was truly shock, one member
wanted to punch out my brother, for the things that he did to mom and I. Never had anyone
react like this, in my defense before.
As much, as I don’t want to, I need to share with you, the poem that sparked this emotional
output and still haunts me, Summer of ‘85: Season in Hell, which I wrote, in 2012. Be warn,
should you read it, this poem may contain triggers, for those, who are abuse survivors, as
it did to myself.
