Never Forgotten (December 6, 2018)

Twenty-eight years ago

I was studying for

My fall exams

At Carleton University

In Ottawa, Ontario.

As Canadians mourn

Ecole Polytechnique Massacre

Previous year

In Montreal, Quebec.

Marc Lepine’s

Murderous rampage

Killed 14 women

Wounding 10 others

And 4 men.

Before turning his gun

Upon himself

Murder victim: fifteen.

Remember

Feeling angered

Being excluded

Sharing grief.

News outlets reported

Women only march calls

On Parliament Hill.

Yes I cried

Hearing this news.

Like my soul

Had been sacrificed

On altar of hate.

As if

All males are

Murderous misogynistic

Beast.

Looking back

As a transwoman

Can understand

This anger and frustration.

Having myself

Been targetted

By similar behaviour

From men.

As U2’s song “40”

Plays in my mind

“...how long...”

Therisa © 2018

Author’s note: For more information, please check out this link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89cole_Polytechnique_massacre

The Loneliest Number (May 10, 2017)

How do I describe

This irrational feeling

That grips my soul

In its iron grasp.

Of this need

To run away

And hide

From people.

Simple things

Like taking transit

Triggers anxiety attacks

Bordering on

Outright panic attacks.

Needing outside help

To leave my apartment

For taking out

The garbage.

Self-hatred 

And self-loathing

Fill my soul.

As I rattle the bars

Of the invisible cage

Inside my mind

That holds me.

Hoping to find

One loose bar

To aid

My escape.

As another bout

Of agoraphobia

Sinks its talons.

Deep

Into my struggling soul

For who knows

How long.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: This will mark my third major bout of agoraphobia, in the past 8 years. The previous two bouts, lasted several months before I could resume, what passes for my normal life. I am hoping, that I am wrong, in view the past 6 months, as a warning sign, to a possible renewal of agoraphobia, which last visited me, two years ago, staying for 3 months, before departing, after Labour Day. There are times, I hate my body, for the mental and physical struggles, I face, on a daily basis.

A Lantern Darken (May 1, 2017)

Ignorance 

Disguised

As knowledge.

Irrational

Becomes rational.

As the pain deepen

Into unchartered waters

Of the mind.

Returning

Once more

To the darkness.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Yesterday (April 30, 2017), a couple of comments were made, on a poem, I shared with others. Comments that charitably can only, be described, as ignorance talking, where knowledge is lacking, in the sensitivity, of the matter at hand. This is my reply back, to them.

Only If.... (September 4, 2012)

Another
School year
Is starting up
And I find myself
Looking backwards.

Wondering
What if 
I had gone
To my senior prom.

As
Whom I am
A girl
Dressed in
A formal dress.

While
Alphaville's
"Forever young"
Is played
As the last song.

Alas
This isn't
The reality
Of what happen.

Instead
I stayed home
Conflicted
Between perception
And reality.

Of
Having to wear
To a suit
If I wished
To attend.

Might
As well been
Wearing a straitjacket
Is how I feel
About having to
Wear a suit.

Sigh.

Therisa © 2012

Author's note: During the 1980's, HIV/AIDS was emerging, in the general public, as a dead disease that killed many members of the LGBT+ community. As a teenager, struggling with gender identity, in this time period, there was no resources available to me, like there is, today. I felt totally isolated and a freak, for feeling trapped, in the wrong body, despite, what everyone else told me, contrary to my thoughts. In the Ontario school systems, there was no mention of being trans or bisexual, for Phy. Ed teachers, only mentioned gay and lesbians, during the health unit, along with various methods of birth control. Sadly, when they did mention the gays/lesbians, they did so, uneasy, making cruel comments and jokes, about them. 

Maybe, some day, I will be able to have my prom moment, and not feel shamed, for wanting to express my inner self, to the world. Until then, I can only dream, what that night have been like, for me.

Why Can't I Be You? (January 26, 2016)

www.motherjones.com

Courage:

[kur-ij, kuhr-]

noun

1.

the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2.

Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

Idioms

3.

have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

source: www.dictionary.com

A gentle

But sad sigh

Escapes my lips

As tears roll down

My face.

In trying

To find

That inner strength.

That you say

Shines like a beacon

Through the darkness

I have walked

In my journey

To here.

Having lost

Everything of value

To my body and soul.

For this need

Of mine.

Correcting

A genetic birth defect

Being born

Within the wrong body

Of a male.

Which

Society views

As normal.

Despite

Viewing myself

As a woman trapped

Within a male shell

Of a body.

Won't burden you

With the years

Of abuse and bullying

That has marked my life.

Since

I realized

This inner truth

At the tender age

Of four.

Within my head

The voices

Of my abusers

Ringing out.

Cursing me

With such crude

And hurtful language.

No child should

Ever know.

Fuelling their need

For power

And control.

By expressing

Their fear

At that

Which

Is different.

Sadly

As adults

These children

Haven't learnt their lessons.

As the fire

Of transphobia

And homophobia

Burns brightly

In their souls.

Consuming

Whatever remains

Of their logic centre

In a Gray hateful ash.

And yes

There times

I have felt

My life

At risk.

In spite

Of this fact

I move forward

In my healing pilgrimage.

Uniting my body

With the feminine soul

I was born

Within.

Thus

Completing

This cycle.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: By the age of twelve, I had attempted, at least 3 different times, to end my life, which I have never told my parents, about. My last 3 years of high school, was marked, by a nightly visit to the kitchen, where I tried to pierce my chest, with one of the meat knives, but I lack the strength to push it, into my chest cavity.


After coming out, accidently, to my mom, over the 2006 Canada Day long weekend, she told me:


"Hell would have to freeze over, and I would have to, come crawling on my hands and knees, begging her, for forgiveness, before she would think about it."


Needless, to say, I was thrown for a dark suicidal depression that lasted, the entire month of July. Nearly costing my job, as a result. With the help and support of a very special friend, I wouldn't be here, to share this, with the world. Thank you, Z.


The title of this poem, is a reference to the British Goth group, The Cure, who's dark and melodic tunes have helped me, during my bout of dark depression. Also, refers to my needing to live my life, as a woman, who is...simply elegance.

Just The Way, It Is (January 23, 2016)

www.susans.org

Hello

My name is

Therisa.

Does this

Bother you?

As you say:

"Male".

As if

It was

The most vilest

Curse word

You know.

Correct me

If I'm wrong.

But didn't

Your religious belief

Teach you.

To treat others

As you want them

To treated you?

Especially

Volunteering

At a food/clothing bank

For disadvantaged "women"

And families?

I write this

Not to embarrass you.

Rather

Trying to understand

Why you harbour

Such ill will

Towards me.

Honestly

I wish

It was possible.

For you

To experience

The "Hells"

I have travelled

Through.

Just to reach

This stage

Of my life.

Actively

Attempting to

Correct

This genetic mistake.

Of being born

In the wrong gendered

Body.

Is this

Asking

Too much?

For compassion

And a helping hand

Towards

A fellow human being.

For some

It is.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: On January 19th, I walked up, to a nearby food/clothing bank, ran by, a local Christian organization, in Toronto. For the first time, in 13 months, I was made to feel like, I didn't belong there, by one particular volunteer, there. Guess, I shouldn't be surprised, given my past experienced, with "religious" people and their gross intolerance, towards those, who challenge their perception of "what is right and wrong". In their quoting verses, from the Talmud and the New Testament, at me, saying my soul is, eternally damned, for being a trans-lesbian.


I didn't feel right, in challenge this person, outright, rather tried to pass it, by saying, I'm transitioning, which is true. Maybe, the next time, if I see her, I will ask, if we can go to a separate room, and try to enlighten her, about her rudeness and ignorance. If she is willing, to keep an open mind, while we talk.


For the record, I'm not, a practicing Jew, Christian, or Muslim. Rather, find myself, leaning towards Animism, which some "People of the Book" would view me, as being Pagan.  Never mind, I was forced by my mom, to attend various Protestant churches, until my mid-teens, when I said, "enough". Never have felt comfortable, in any of these churches. In fact, one church made me feel, like I was walking over the graves of dead.