The Coming Out Party, Yeah Right. (May 31, 2016)

In my mind's eye

It unfolds

Like a tragic drama

In slow motion.

Knowing

It'll end

In broken emotions

And tears.

Wanting to scream

At myself:

"Stay away

From the apartment door

Don't open it!!"

At the sound

Of mom

Knocking

Unannounced

At my door.

Not expecting

Anyone

From my family.

Wearing

A navy blue floral skirt

And red t-shirt.

Fingers and toes

Painted

In Revlon Raven

(A dark shade of red).

And

Golden studs

Adoring my ears.

Did I

In answering

The door.

Not sure

Who was

More surprised.

Her

Or I.

Should have

Told her:

"Good-bye".

As I closed

The door.

Instead

I let her

Enter.

Thus

My descent

Into Hell

And madness.

In forcing

Myself

Out of the closet

Before I was ready.

As her trans-daughter

Who happens

To be

A lesbian.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: There is more, to this story, but I don't feel comfortable, in sharing it, right now. Safe, to say, I crashed and burned, emotionally and mentally, after this Canada Day long weekend, in 2006. Since, this incident, I have broken off, all ties, with my family, given my mom's transphobia and my brother's abusive behavior, over the years.

Wasn't the poem, I was expecting for my 2700th, but some things are beyond our control.

Why Can't I Be You? (January 26, 2016)

www.motherjones.com

Courage:

[kur-ij, kuhr-]

noun

1.

the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2.

Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

Idioms

3.

have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

source: www.dictionary.com

A gentle

But sad sigh

Escapes my lips

As tears roll down

My face.

In trying

To find

That inner strength.

That you say

Shines like a beacon

Through the darkness

I have walked

In my journey

To here.

Having lost

Everything of value

To my body and soul.

For this need

Of mine.

Correcting

A genetic birth defect

Being born

Within the wrong body

Of a male.

Which

Society views

As normal.

Despite

Viewing myself

As a woman trapped

Within a male shell

Of a body.

Won't burden you

With the years

Of abuse and bullying

That has marked my life.

Since

I realized

This inner truth

At the tender age

Of four.

Within my head

The voices

Of my abusers

Ringing out.

Cursing me

With such crude

And hurtful language.

No child should

Ever know.

Fuelling their need

For power

And control.

By expressing

Their fear

At that

Which

Is different.

Sadly

As adults

These children

Haven't learnt their lessons.

As the fire

Of transphobia

And homophobia

Burns brightly

In their souls.

Consuming

Whatever remains

Of their logic centre

In a Gray hateful ash.

And yes

There times

I have felt

My life

At risk.

In spite

Of this fact

I move forward

In my healing pilgrimage.

Uniting my body

With the feminine soul

I was born

Within.

Thus

Completing

This cycle.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: By the age of twelve, I had attempted, at least 3 different times, to end my life, which I have never told my parents, about. My last 3 years of high school, was marked, by a nightly visit to the kitchen, where I tried to pierce my chest, with one of the meat knives, but I lack the strength to push it, into my chest cavity.


After coming out, accidently, to my mom, over the 2006 Canada Day long weekend, she told me:


"Hell would have to freeze over, and I would have to, come crawling on my hands and knees, begging her, for forgiveness, before she would think about it."


Needless, to say, I was thrown for a dark suicidal depression that lasted, the entire month of July. Nearly costing my job, as a result. With the help and support of a very special friend, I wouldn't be here, to share this, with the world. Thank you, Z.


The title of this poem, is a reference to the British Goth group, The Cure, who's dark and melodic tunes have helped me, during my bout of dark depression. Also, refers to my needing to live my life, as a woman, who is...simply elegance.