Thoughts For International Women's Day (March 11, 2019)

Calendar reads

Twenty-one months

And counting

For my current bout

Of depression.

A fact

Not proud of.

So easy

To lose oneself

In darkness and anger

Surrendering to this despair

Permanently.

Some

Like myself

Internalize this anger

Harming ourselves

By becoming suicidal.

Others

Externalize their anger

Becoming a threat

To themselves

And other people

For physical violence

And death.

And yet

During this period

Of prolonged darkness

Haven't felt this need

For desperate measures.

There have been

Momentary lapses

When suicidal thoughts

Emerged to the forefront.

Urging me

Take one final step

Into the great beyond

I've resisted.

Please understand

These suicidal thoughts

Are a part

Of my daily life.

Abuse/bullying survivor

Living with mental illness

And gender dysphoria.

Most people 

Don't understand

The disconnect

Between body and soul

That drives me.

Of the pain generated

By my genetic deformities

Having a male body

With a female soul.

Especially

Hearing people using

The wrong gender pronouns

When addressing me.

Worse offenders

Are transphobic ciswomen

In position of power

Who know better.

Wrongly believing

We're fifth columnists

Sent by misogynistic men

And their political organizations

To destroy all advances

Made by women.

Advances

We want to build on

And enshrine

Into the legal system

Protecting everyone.

Ironically

Doing the heavy lifting

For theses "anti-women"

Movements.

These misogynistic women

Risk losing everything

For very little return

In denying our existence.

As judges/politicians

Impose their will

On this growing dispute

Leaving neither side

Satisfied with the compromise.

Growing concern

Governments reduce

Their fiscal responsibilities

Supporting rape/abuse centers

As waiting lists reach

Eighteen months and longer.

Centers denied access

For transwomen seeking help

On the claims

We're re-victimizing

Cisgender clients and staff

Who've experienced

Sexual assaults and abuse.

As if

Being the victim

To crimes of power

Is limited

To ciswomen.

Therisa © 2019

Only If.... (September 4, 2012)

Another
School year
Is starting up
And I find myself
Looking backwards.

Wondering
What if 
I had gone
To my senior prom.

As
Whom I am
A girl
Dressed in
A formal dress.

While
Alphaville's
"Forever young"
Is played
As the last song.

Alas
This isn't
The reality
Of what happen.

Instead
I stayed home
Conflicted
Between perception
And reality.

Of
Having to wear
To a suit
If I wished
To attend.

Might
As well been
Wearing a straitjacket
Is how I feel
About having to
Wear a suit.

Sigh.

Therisa © 2012

Author's note: During the 1980's, HIV/AIDS was emerging, in the general public, as a dead disease that killed many members of the LGBT+ community. As a teenager, struggling with gender identity, in this time period, there was no resources available to me, like there is, today. I felt totally isolated and a freak, for feeling trapped, in the wrong body, despite, what everyone else told me, contrary to my thoughts. In the Ontario school systems, there was no mention of being trans or bisexual, for Phy. Ed teachers, only mentioned gay and lesbians, during the health unit, along with various methods of birth control. Sadly, when they did mention the gays/lesbians, they did so, uneasy, making cruel comments and jokes, about them. 

Maybe, some day, I will be able to have my prom moment, and not feel shamed, for wanting to express my inner self, to the world. Until then, I can only dream, what that night have been like, for me.

The Urge To Purge (August 14, 2016)

As I look

My body over

An anger fills me.

At the cruel twist

Of fate.

I have been forced

To endure

Over my lifetime.

Knowing

I'm trapped

Within the wrong gender

And powerless

To change it.

Even though

Modern medicine 

Has advance

To the point.

Of giving me

A feminine appearing

Body.

Stopping short

Of a truly feminine body

Able to give birth

With a female reproductive

System.

Fighting

The very thoughts

That would end

My life.

By 

Permanently removing

My male genitalia.

As these depressive thoughts

Threaten

To overwhelm me

With the need 

To act out

And make this

My new reality.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Wish, I could say, these feeling of self hatred towards my biological body, weren't so intense, that I want to self-harm myself, in correcting the disconnect, between the physical image that I present to the world, and the mental image, i have, of myself. And yes, like my chronic depression, these thoughts of self-harming are cyclical, in nature. Never aware, when they will arise and overcome me. 

To date, I have manage to contain these thoughts, but do know, the day will come, when I will be powerless to stop them, from happening. I have told my medical team, about these thoughts, and they're monitoring me, to see, if they get any worse.

Days, I Curse Myself (June 13, 2016)

On days

Like these.

Looking down

At my body

Fills me

With anger

And revulsion.

Wishing

With a simple slice

Of a knife

To change

My genitalia.

Forever.

Removing

The birth defects

Located

Between my legs.

For more years

Then I can remember

Have always

Hoped.

I would find

A magical talisman.

To change me.

Looking everywhere

I walked around

To no avail.

Turning hope

In despair

And depression.

At the thought

Of having

To endure

Another day

In this tainted body.

That society views

As being natural

For me.

Never realizing

The emotional

Physical

Or psychological

Pain.

It causes

Me.

As I hide

The knives

Away.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Having a bad body image day.

Still Incomplete (May 7, 2016)

You laugh

And shake your head

At me.

As if

I have said

Something silly

Like a young child

Would.

In expressing

My avid wish

To be complete

As a woman

After SRS.

Knowing

The most skilled surgeons

Can't create

What I wasn't born

With.

A

Female

Reproductive

System.

Sure

I can have

A vagina

And a clitoris.

Or

What approaches them

Out of my male genitalia

That I despite.

The fact remains

I will always be

Incomplete

As a woman.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Over the years, I have expressed my desire, to have a fully functional female reproductive system, instead of, the male one, I was born with. To which, the following response, has greeted me: "Are you freaking nuts?" Never realizing, my incredibly strong need, to be, totally female. Or how, it's fueling my chronic depression.

My Silent Truth (March 14, 2016)

You may think

I'm certifiably nuts

In sharing this

With you.

As I find myself

Once more

Struggling

To control

This growing urge.

In wanting to

Remove

My birth defect. 

Know

I'm not alone

In wanting

To do so

Among transsexuals.

Just that

I have reach

This stage

Of my life.

Due

To medical reasons

SRS is slipping

Out of my grasp.

Thus

Am condemned

To living

What remains

Of my lifespan

In a male body.

Cursing

Every second

That passes.