The Urge To Purge (August 14, 2016)

As I look

My body over

An anger fills me.

At the cruel twist

Of fate.

I have been forced

To endure

Over my lifetime.

Knowing

I'm trapped

Within the wrong gender

And powerless

To change it.

Even though

Modern medicine 

Has advance

To the point.

Of giving me

A feminine appearing

Body.

Stopping short

Of a truly feminine body

Able to give birth

With a female reproductive

System.

Fighting

The very thoughts

That would end

My life.

By 

Permanently removing

My male genitalia.

As these depressive thoughts

Threaten

To overwhelm me

With the need 

To act out

And make this

My new reality.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Wish, I could say, these feeling of self hatred towards my biological body, weren't so intense, that I want to self-harm myself, in correcting the disconnect, between the physical image that I present to the world, and the mental image, i have, of myself. And yes, like my chronic depression, these thoughts of self-harming are cyclical, in nature. Never aware, when they will arise and overcome me. 

To date, I have manage to contain these thoughts, but do know, the day will come, when I will be powerless to stop them, from happening. I have told my medical team, about these thoughts, and they're monitoring me, to see, if they get any worse.