Why my eyes
Are tearing up
Right now.
As I feel
The tears
Begging for release.
Before
Anyone suggests
It's because
Of my hormone levels.
You must know
I haven't been taking
Any estrogen
(In any form)
For the past 2 years.
Even though
My estrogen levels
Are totally female
On my last test
In late April.
My baseline test
Described me
As a teenager
Having a period.
(Despite
The reality
Of having
A thirty-something
Body.)
I have never asked
For a genetic test
To prove
Whether or not
I'm Intersex.
Of course
The $1 000 cost
(At the time)
For the genetic test.
I would pay
If the test
Came back
As male.
May have
Something
To do
With my decision.
Still
I know
My soul is
Eternally female.
Regardless
Of what
Anybody
Tells me.
Therisa © 2016
Author's note: Sigh.
14 comments:
Yes, you dont need a test to know what you know, to feel who you are. Terrible the cost of tests which could be so helpful to people. But best just to know who you are, without someone else slapping a label on you.
I know, Sherry, but in a small way, being able to know that I'm genetically female, will make my journey easier, in a way. But, I'm not willing to spend money that I don't have, to chase this part of my dream.
Yes, I see it would reinforce your inner knowing. It is a shame the cost is prohibitive. So nice to see you in the Pantry, kiddo.
Somehow the genes would help I do understand that, and I think that we are just starting to understand how much they matter (but also how little).. great to see you back into writing.
Sherry, the medical community treats the Intersex community differently, from the trans community. Although, we face similar battles, in getting our cause, recognized, by society-at-large. And thank you.
Thank you, Bjorn. In my case, being identified, as Intersex, would open up access to medical treatments (surgeries) that I would have to face a psyche panel, as a trans-person, to get approval for.
i don't know how to comment to this, only because in my own ignorance i know very little of this, except to say, I feel it's written from the heart and conveys your message well; and I hope all works out well for you
Beautifully poignant.
Well expressed struggle that we all share in "identity"
I always lean towards the concept of Yin, Yang for resolution in understanding the whole picture :)
http://personaltao.com/teachings/questions/what-is-yin-yang/
ZQ
Thank you, Julian, for taking the time, to read this very personal poem of mine. And please, don't beat yourself up, over the beginning of your enlightenment, for I find myself, having to educate too many people, within the local medical community, here. The struggles of the Intersex and trans-communities are still a dark area, when it comes to enlightening the general public.
Thank you, Sanaa. It's been a long and painful Summer, here.
I understand, the concepts of Yin and Yang, but I have to deal, with a medical community that for the most part is ignorant of the needs and struggles of a trans-person. If I was found to be Intersex, part of this stigma (psycholgical) would be removed, only to be replaced, by others.
It seems wrong that it should be so hugely expensive and that the profession remains so ignorant. If only well-wishing could help; you have plenty of that!
Wish it were easier for you to get the test you would like to have...but it is good that in your heart and body you know just who you are.
Great to see you in the Pantry again, Therisa!
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