The Loneliest Number (May 10, 2017)

How do I describe

This irrational feeling

That grips my soul

In its iron grasp.

Of this need

To run away

And hide

From people.

Simple things

Like taking transit

Triggers anxiety attacks

Bordering on

Outright panic attacks.

Needing outside help

To leave my apartment

For taking out

The garbage.

Self-hatred 

And self-loathing

Fill my soul.

As I rattle the bars

Of the invisible cage

Inside my mind

That holds me.

Hoping to find

One loose bar

To aid

My escape.

As another bout

Of agoraphobia

Sinks its talons.

Deep

Into my struggling soul

For who knows

How long.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: This will mark my third major bout of agoraphobia, in the past 8 years. The previous two bouts, lasted several months before I could resume, what passes for my normal life. I am hoping, that I am wrong, in view the past 6 months, as a warning sign, to a possible renewal of agoraphobia, which last visited me, two years ago, staying for 3 months, before departing, after Labour Day. There are times, I hate my body, for the mental and physical struggles, I face, on a daily basis.

Days Of Darkness (May 16, 2016)

The late Spring Sun

Spills over

Toronto

Bathing it

In its brightness

And promised warmth.

And yet

For some

Like myself.

It harkens

Another day

Of inner darkness

And battle

With mental illness.

Wanting

To leave behind

This cavernous hole

That I find myself

Hiding in.

Each step

Towards 

The entrance's lip

My levels of dread

And anxiety

Rises.

Nailing me

To the spot

Just short

Of my apartment door.

As if

Another crippling bout

Of agoraphobia

Is preparing

To strike.

It's fangs

Deep

Into me.

Memories

Still fresh

Of the last bout

That lasted

The Summer of 2014.

Fearing

A command performance

As a virtual prisoner

Trapped.

Within

The mental walls

Of my mind

For another prolong

Run.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Can feel myself, slipping away, into an agoraphobic Hell, once more. As, it's getting harder, to stay out of my apartment and not be triggered, by other people, when outside of it.

Approaching The Explosion Point (May 16, 2016)

You call me Very brave. And yet Am struggling To remain In one spot. As the irrational need To run away And hide Fills me. Knowing No one can Or will harm me In the library. Can feel My mounting frustration Threatening To explode In the form Of self-harming. Caring not If blood is drawn As the keys Rake my legs. Only wanting To regain Self-control Over this runaway wreck. I call My life. Therisa © 2016 Author's note: Once more, my agoraphobia is triggered, by a crowd. This time, a class of grade one or two students, visiting the local public library, with their teacher. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate my anxiety, approaching, 5, just below, the threshold of a full blown anxiety attack, which I had, on Friday afternoon, at my art program.

A Soul's Wish (February 4, 2016)

www.yogawithtali.wordpress.com

Silence.

Only

A soul can hear

And understand.

Is what

I seek.

In muzzling

My inner critic

Permanently.

Reclaiming

What's every child's

Birthright:

Self-confidence

And self-esteem.

By undoing

A lifetime

Of destructive comments

And brutal body blows

To the soul.

At times

My psychic pain

Is too much.

As I shrink

Ever smaller

Into a space

Of lost hope.

As the words

Logic and sanity

Are only found

In a dictionary.

Depression

And extreme anxiety

Sink their talons 

Deep

Into my soul.

Simple act

Of opening and exiting

My apartment door

Takes on

Heroic measures.

As I cower

In my bedroom.

Shedding tears

Of frustration

And shame.

Knowing

Only last week

I could do so

With the greatest

Of ease.

Wondering

How long

My jail sentence

Will be

This time.

Before

The cycle changes

In granting me

Parole.

Until

The next time

I'm held hostage

Within my apartment.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: My last bout of agoraphobia, occurred, during the summer of 2014, lasting 3 months, before I was able to leave my apartment, without any assistance. Marking my second cycle of agoraphobia, within the past 6 years.