Often
I find myself
Asking this question
Without a ready answer
To it.
Never gave it
A second thought
About the toxic relationship
Between my brother and I.
Even though
My grandma did remark
She has never seen
Two siblings go at it
So furiously.
Or
How different things were
From my many cousins
In comparison
To my situation.
Until
I entered
A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) program
At a nearby hospital
About four years ago.
Where
The therapist told me
It's not unusual
For a family
To be dysfunctional.
Gee
Thanks.
As if
My childhood years
Weren't brutal
Enough.
Even now
Thirty-five years later
I can still hear him
And his friend
Calling me:
" A f--king
Cocksucker"
Or
"A f--king fairy"
Who needed
To be taught
Her proper place.
As they pounded
The living daylights
Out of my body.
While
Laughing.
Welcome
To my grade 5 year.
Wish
I could say
My previous school years
Were less violent
(Physically
And verbally).
Sadly
No.
This would continue
Until I transferred
To another high school
At the end
Of grade 10.
Leaving
This abusive environment
Behind me.
But
The memories
Still haunt me.
So
I ask you.
What does it
Feel like
To live
A normal life?
Without constant echoes
Of destructive voices
Or PTSD flashbacks
To haunt
Every moment
Of ones life.
If possible
For just one minute
I would love
To experience this moment
In my live.
Therisa © 2016
Author's note: There times, which I find myself, cursing my long term memory, for its ability to hold past events, in my live, as if, they have happened, just yesterday. While, my short memory has more holes, in it, than an unpasteurized piece of Swiss cheese. There is more, that I could have detailed, here, but, even a masochist, would be crying, begging, for no more. Sigh, am so tired of this weird roller coaster, which we call life. Can I, finally, be able,to get off, please?
