What Is Normal Like? (March 11, 2016)

Often

I find myself

Asking this question

Without a ready answer

To it.

Never gave it

A second thought

About the toxic relationship

Between my brother and I.

Even though

My grandma did remark

She has never seen

Two siblings go at it

So furiously.

Or

How different things were

From my many cousins

In comparison

To my situation.

Until

I entered

 A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) program

At a nearby hospital

About four years ago.

Where

The therapist told me

It's not unusual

For a family

To be dysfunctional.

 Gee

Thanks.

As if

My childhood years

Weren't brutal

Enough.

Even now

Thirty-five years later

I can still hear him

And his friend

Calling me:

" A f--king

Cocksucker"

Or

"A f--king fairy"

Who needed

To be taught

Her proper place.

As they pounded

The living daylights

Out of my body.

While

Laughing.

Welcome

To my grade 5 year.

Wish

I could say

My previous school years

Were less violent

(Physically

And verbally).

Sadly

No.

This would continue

Until I transferred

To another high school

At the end

Of grade 10.

Leaving

This abusive environment

Behind me.

But

The memories

Still haunt me.

So

I ask you.

What does it

Feel like

To live

A normal life?

Without constant echoes

Of destructive voices

Or PTSD flashbacks

To haunt

Every moment

Of ones life.

If possible

For just one minute

I would love

To experience this moment

In my live.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: There times, which I find myself, cursing my long term memory, for its ability to hold past events, in my live, as if, they have happened, just yesterday. While, my short memory has more holes, in it, than an unpasteurized piece of Swiss cheese. There is more, that I could have detailed, here, but, even a masochist, would be crying, begging, for no more. Sigh, am so tired of this weird roller coaster, which we call life. Can I, finally, be able,to get off, please?

Family Ties (February 15, 2016)

Once more

It's the third Monday

Of February

As Ontario celebrates

Family Day.

You'll pardon me

If I don't join you

In its observance.

For

I am

A survivor

Of domestic violence

By a family member.

Even now

Almost nine years free

Of his physical presence.

But

His shadow

Still impacts

My daily life.

In being

Hyper-vigilant.

Jumping at

Any sudden

And loud noise

Like an argument.

Or

An apartment door

Being slammed shut.

Cursing

My long term memory

For capturing

In 4K detail

His attacks.

Of me

Cowering

In my barricaded bedroom

Crying myself

To sleep

In my late teens.

Wishing

I had died

From my electrical burns

In November 1974.

Can understand

Why some victims

Of abusive relationships

Kill their attackers.

Only recently

I have admitted

In wishing

I had killed him

After his preemie birth

In October 1972.

Thus

Sparing me

Decades of pain

And sorrow.

But

I realize

The road of "Only if"

Will lead me

Further astray

In my healing.

As I travel

The long and difficult path

OF reclaiming my life

One memory

At a time.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This poem is, one of my most exhausting mentally and physically that I have written. It took me, 9 hours and 15 minutes, to do this. Needing several long breaks, to just write the first draft, in my writing workbook, yesterday. Not to mention, the 2 hours needed to transcribe this, onto one of e-mail accounts, before posting it, here. Right now, I can feel my stress levels reaching the point, I am  having, the beginning, of a very nasty tension headache.

14 Roses (December 6, 2015)

Steady stream

Of bitter and angry tears

Flow down my face.

As Canadians observe

The 26th anniversary

Of the Montreal Massacre

Today.

Where

Marc Lepine

Violently

Ripped off

Our veil of ignorance

And silence.

In his killing

Of female engineering

Students and professors.

Please stop

If you think

This is

An issue

Limited to Quebec.

Given their past

Of deadly assaults

Upon post-secondary institutions.

Rather

It stretches

From the Atlantic

To the Pacific

And Arctic coastlines.

Whether

We identify

Ourselves

As:

Cisgender

Transgender

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Lesbian

Or Queer.

Sadly

For too many

It's part

Of our daily lives

This violence.

Author's notes: for more information, please check out, the following links:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89cole_Polytechnique_massacre

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawson_College_shooting


Therisa © 2015