Monday, 11 April 2016

That Guilty Feeling (April 11, 2016)

Not sure
If others can understand
The viscous impact
That violence has
Upon one's life.

Sexually  psychologically
Or physically)

Even now
Many years later.

Find myself
Easily being triggered
By these memories
From my past.

No amount
Of hot water and soap
Or drowning my body
In the bathtub.

Will remove
These mortal stains
From my soul.

I know
These experiences
Aren't my fault.

And yet
I feel responsible
For what happened
During these assaults
Upon me.

In feeling guilty
For them

As if
I had done
Or acted

I would be spared
These traumatic

I know
Nothing can change
Those violent events
From occurring.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note:  On Saturday, April 9, 2016, I began a new blog, which I posted the first letter that I have written, to my younger self, as a 15 year old, about the abuse that would happen me, during that Summer. Must warn anyone that reads this, it's filled with some graphic physical violence, and may act, as a trigger, for some. Sadly, I triggered myself, today. The following is a link, to the first post of the new blog.
Am working on, another letter to myself, which covers the period of my self-discovery and coming out, after years of self-denial. Not sure, when I be able to post it, as it took me, about a month, of writing daily, to do the first letter.

Please, don't thrown off, by the male name that appears in the letter's greeting, as that was my name, my parents gave me, at birth. An Angolized version, of one of my dad's brothers' Dutch name, who died, during an asthma attack, choking on phlegm, in his wife's arms.

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