Damn my emotions
Cursing the tears.
Realizing
Am triggering myself
Thinking about dad.
Thought
I had gotten past
This healing stage.
Looking back
So stoic
About publicly sharing
His emotions.
Having been told
Suck it up
When displaying
My pain.
Doing so
Is denying
Who I am.
Wiping away tears
As my vision
Grows too bleary.
And yet
He stood by
When struggling
With depression/anxiety
Throughout my schooling years.
Bitter mental laughter
Fills my mind
As I think
About Sunday’s irony.
Mother’s Day
And anniversary
Of his birth date.
There’ll be
No card
Nor gift giving.
Never mind
Sitting down
For dinner.
These raw emotions
Have never healed
From mom’s
July 1, 2006 rejection
Of me.
I’ve tried
Numerous times
To meet her demands
Without betraying myself.
And yet
Her fear and distrust
Remains.
A terminal cancer
For our parent/child
Relationship.
Therisa © 2019
Author’s note: For 3 days, I struggled with this, unable to write anything for this poem. As my emotions took me, on an emotional roller coaster ride that shook me, to my core. I’ve not feel the depth of emotions like this, since my opa’s death on my 14th birthday, 35 years ago. Yes, I’m dating myself, with this admission.
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