Dear Cousin (A Poetic Letter (April 11, 2019)

Dear Cousin;

My belated condolences

For Uncle J’s death (your dad)

In December 2018.

I know

A lot has changed

Since our last meeting

Celebrating 50 years

As a Canadian family

In June 2002.

Many of our cousins

Have either married

Had children

And/Or divorced.

In my case

I’ve learned things

Radically changing

My existence

As a person.

Through many pain filled

And harsh brutal nights

With PTSD flashback dreams

Of repressed memories.

I realize

I’m an abuse/bullying survivor.

And no

These memories weren’t

The by-product

Of a therapist induced creation.

Rather

My mental dykes collapsed

After a brutal 26 hour long

Panic attack

In August 2007.

Remember

How you and other cousins

Were ribbing me

About my dramatic weight gain

At the reunion?

One of the side-effects

From my chronic battle

With depression.

Intertwined

With anxiety disorders

Agoraphobia PTSD

And gender dysphoria.

I am transitioning

From male to female.

Don’t know

If my mom has shared

With the rest of family

As we’re not talking

To each other.

There is

So much more

That I want to share

With you.

But realize

I need to stop here

And let you digest

This information dump

I’ve given you.

Sadden

I understand

If I never hear back

From you.

Sincerely, your cousin,

Therisa (formerly T------)

Therisa © 2019

Author’s note: Last month, during a random search on my family, I discovered one of my
uncles had past away, on December 30, 2018. I spent the 1985 Canada Day long weekend
with him and his family, when dad had his first known heart attack. The remainder of the
1985 summer, was a trip through Hell, for me. As my younger brother attacked physically,
emotionally, and mentally, my mom and I. Just have to close my eyes, I can physically hear
and feel him, attacking us.

I want to send this poem to my cousin, the eldest son of my late uncle, but am scared of
him, rejecting me, as well.