November 30. 2016 (December 13, 2016)

Since

The age of six

I have been told

To suck it up.

Whenever

It came

To strong emotions.

Thus

My angry outburst

During therapy

Shocked and angered

Me.

Feeling like

I'm a failure

For releasing 

This negative emotion.

As guilt 

And anger

Filled me.

In breaking

A taboo

I need removed

From my life.

And yet

It scares me

To do so.

Knowing

Will be forced

To face life

Without this filter.

In all

Of it's rawness

And intensity.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Not sure, if I should call this, a breakthrough session, in allowing some of my suppressed anger, to release, in a safe and controlled manner. In the past, people have reacted surprised, when I have let my anger loose. As if, they expect me, to not have any anger, within me, because I am slow to release it. 

Upon The Front Lines (December 7, 2016)

My soul

Is the battleground

Upon which

A war is 

Being waged.

Fought

Among multiple fronts

Simultaneously

For control.

Every exploding shell

Renders my soulscape

Into a thousand 

Jagged piercing shards.

Each front

A different element

Of my universe

Bursting forth

Into thick acrid smoke.

Threatening

To choke

My existence

Out.

Like

A battle weary soldier

My soul seeks

A permanent ceasefire

Ending all hostilities.

Knowing

An unilateral surrender

Is tantamount to

A death sentence

For me.

One

I'm not prepare

To face

Just yet.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: A metaphor for how I am feeling right now.

Naivety's Price (November 26, 2016)

Society talks

About love. 

As if

It was a hyperbole

Of our souls.

In telling children

We will always 

Love them.

No matter 

What.

And yet

For many children

They have nothing left.

But 

This flimsy claim

To hang onto. 

As they're tortured

And abused

At the hands

Of their parents.

Only guilty 

Of being born

Different.

Whether

The wrong gender

Or sexuality.

All the while

Being told

Their punishment is

A sign of love.

Blaming themselves

For not being 

Good enough.

Or should have

Done things

Only differently

The first time.

When

The real fault lies

With the adults.

Leaving the child

To pay

The most horrible price

Their life.

Therisa © 2016

Untitled (June 24, 2016)

Silence

Each passing second

My soul dies

A small death.

Words are replaced

By a flooded soulscape

Meters deep

In tears.

Internalized anger

Builds up

Consuming all.

Until

A black hole

Only remains

Behind.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Wrote this micro poem, on the TTC Rte #23 bus, heading towards the Main St subway station, for my Friday afternoon art program.

On The Edge Of Tears (November 19, 2016)

We look

At the future

With rose coloured

Glasses.

Dreaming

Of an emerging world

Filled with love

And compassion.

Knowing

Our past is

One filled

With extreme prejudice

And violence.

For too many

Of our brothers

And sisters

Have paid

In their lives.

Whether

At the hands 

Of family members

Or complete strangers.

Something

I know

All too well.

Having experienced

Traumatic events

From both.

Almost 

Costing me

My life.

Sitting here

Fighting back

The tears.

Threatening

To unleash

An emotional tsunami

Upon my soul. 

Knowing

Tomorrow is

November 20th

Day of Trans-Remembrance.

Which

My community

Remembers those

Were murdered.

Or driven

To their deaths.

Praying

It's the last time

We must gather

And read off 

New names.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Around the world, the Trans-community will be observing Day of Trans-Remembrance, on November 20th, for our brothers and sisters, who died, at the hands of others. In Toronto, The 519 will marking this event, from 4-8 pm, at 519 Church St., Toronto, Ontario.

Falling Downwards (November 1, 2016)

My eyes are 

Becoming bleary

As the tears

Roll down.

Feelings 

Of guilt and shame

Wrack my soul.

As memories

Stream forth

Of another time

And place.

Where 

I found myself

Praying for death.

Despising myself

For being 

A freak.

Thoughts of death

Flood my mind

As everything

Become a weapon

To me.

Just wanting

The pain

To end.

By any means

Possible.

Even now

Should Death 

Embrace my body

I won't fight Her.

Rather

Just want my pain

To be over.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Before the age of 12 years old, I have attempted suicide, several times, but failed, for various reasons. I haven't felt this down, hopeless and depressed, since the 2010/11 holiday season, when I made my last attempt. November, next to July (my second hardest), is the hardest month, emotionally, for me. Right now, I wish, I had my dad, to cry in his broad shoulders, and have him. give me, the emotional support, unconditionally. Something, my mom has never been able to do,

In A Trump World (November 11, 2016)

Judgment Day

Has come

And gone

For the United States.

Slowly

Reality is

Sinking in

For the world.

As reaction

To Trump's election

Spreads forth

At light speed.

Leaving 

Many people

Nervous.

Echoes

Of election promises

Reverberate down

Empty corridors.

Angry

Hate-filled words

Leaves it mark

On a scared people.

Seeing enemies

In every corner

Of the world.

As they walk

Down this path

Their hearts filled

With despair 

And rage.

Where fiction

Becomes reality.

Without 

A sober second thought

Or logic

To the arguments.

Marking life

For the next 4 years

On this planet.

Therisa © 2016

Breaking Away (November 1, 2016)

If April is

The month of showers

And May

Flowers.

Then

November is

The month of tears.

I say this

As storm clouds 

Gather.

A time of death

And rebirth.

Of family lost

And a soul

That's reclaimed

From the dead.

As the healing process

Works its way

Through me.

Marking

The transition period

From light to dark

And back

Again.

Refusing

To let the pain

Claim me

As another victim

Of hate.

As it has

For too many year

In my life.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Today is, an anniversary date for me, which 3 years ago, I broke off my last contact with my abusive mom. Thus, cutting off, all contact with my biological family. At the time, I had asked her, if it was possible for her, to get my birthday and Christmas gift, at the same time, as the country roads to her home, can become unsafe, from November until April, due to snow. For I had asked her, for help on buying a new winter jacket, for myself. Needless to say, she found countless excuses, why she couldn't help me, when I rarely ask for anything, from me. After hearing her last excuse, I told her, to sod off and want nothing more, to do with her, in my life. 

Am so tired, of having to fight anxiety attacks, playing by her restrictive rules, whenever I want/or need to contact her, of seeing her eyes filled with fear, which she denies. Her refusal to entry my apartment, as if, I have bedbugs, inside. Generally, being treated, as a childish family member, one can barely tolerate, at the best of times. Who needs, all aspects of their live, to be controlled, by an "adult". As if, I was mentally unable to look, after myself.

Dark Side Of Hallowe'en (October 27, 2016)

See you

Prancing around

Like it is

A huge joke.

In wearing

Those cheap 

Halloween wigs.

Taking selfies

To post

On your Facebook 

Accounts.

Saddened me

To my soul's core.

I know

You'll never understand

Why I am feeling 

This way.

For you

It's a one time 

Deal.

Hallowe'en.

But

For people

Like myself

It's a lifetime

Commitment.

It's blazing

A different path

That society

Is reluctantly slow

In accepting.

Having experienced

First hand

The darker side

Of humanity

And trans-bashing.

Until like

Those reality shows

On the TV.

Only showing

The lighter side.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Yesterday (October 27, 2016), the local public library branch held a puppet show, for the kids, which, afterwards, three teenagers goofed around, with the wigs and taking selfies. Wanted to say something, but was scared, I would be labelled, as oversensitive, for my reactions to these teens. I know, they meant nothing, but it still hurt.

Beyond The Pale (October 26, 2016) Inbox x

How can you

Be objective

In judging me?

When you don't know

Who I am

Or the experience

I have lived.

And yet

You sit

In absolute judgement

Condemning me

On sight

Alone.

Having never uttered

A single word

To you.

Tell me

Where is

Your impartiality?

To you

I am 

An offending piece

Of human flesh

That's condemned

To Hell.

Why?

For challenging

Your notion

On what gender

And sexuality

Means.

In defiling

What the "Holy Book" says

Is acceptable

For society.

Thing is

I don't believe

In this Book.

Or those

Who wrote it.

Sad part is

Your very actions

Goes against

The holy Book

Itself.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Its interesting, how it's those, who protested the loudest, are the ones, who are guilty of the crime, they claim others are committing against them.And for the record, I have experience this reaction, several times, from total strangers, re-inforcing my feelings, for not following one of the three major religions.

An Autumn Memory (October 24, 2016)

Across

The asphalt canyons

A cold wind blows.

Carrying

With it

A hint of winter

And the coming snow.

As brilliant hued leaves

Of various shapes

And sizes

Release their grip

From trees.

Swirling around

In soft eddies

Before landing

At one's feet.

Like Mother Nature's

Own organic confetti

Littering sidewalks

And streets.

Raking leaves

Into huge piles

By laughing kids

As they jumped onto.

Gleefully

They toss

Giant handful

Into air.

Covering them

Like falling snow.

Before

They stuff

Large paper bags

By the curbside

For pick-up.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: A childhood memory.

A Time Of Healing And Sorrow (October 22, 2016)

one

At least

For the time being

Are the fall rainstorms.

Which

The past 72 hours

Has been nourishing

A land.

Long parched

From a hot

And very humid

Summer.

While

The land cries out

"Thank you".

My soul

Starts to whither

Under these cascading

Droplets.

Reaching out

In desperation

For the golden rays

Of the sun

Upon it.

Knowing

Each passing day

A small part dies

In the growing darkness

Of Fall and Winter.

Awaiting

Spring's arrival

With the longer days

Of light and warmth

Upon my soul.

Until then

Survival

By any means.

As SAD digs

Its ruthless talons

Tainted by

A merciless depression

Into my soul.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: During my first year (1990), at Carleton University, in Ottawa, Ontario, I suffered my first noticeable case of seasonal adjustment disorder (SAD), Starting, in late September and ending, in November, it was constantly raining. In October, it felt like every day, was rainy. Until this past year, I haven't talked about walking, beside the Rideau Canal, and have thoughts about jumping into winterized passage, with about 50 cm of water, at the bottom, from a height of 6 meters. 

Sadly, when I did approach staff for help, at Carleton University, it was dismissed, as me, being homesick, and not SAD, or would later find out, chronic depression. Until 2006, I didn't seek out any help for my silent struggle with mental illness. Since then, I have tried 8 different anti-depressant/anxiety medications, with varying degrees of success. Most of these drugs, I had to stop, as the result of brutal side effects that has forced my own doctor to have me, evaluated by psychiatrists, before prescribing any new med.  

October's Tears (October 21, 2016)

That time

Of the year

Is fast approaching

For me.

When

Personal

And season darkness

Claims me.

As I sink

Into a downward spiral

Of pain and sadness.

Marking

The beginning

Of my SAD season

Until January.

Before

It clears up

Slowly.

Wish

I could say

Death doesn't play

A huge part

In my life.

But

It does.

As the raindrops

From a mid-October storm

Bathe my face

In wetness.

Hiding

The tears

From everyone's

Sight.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: It's 10 days, before Halloween, and the fall rains have started, in part of the Great Lakes basin, stopping, only when the rain turns to snow, some time, in November/December. The 10 days from November 11th (Remembrance Day) to 20th (Day Of Trans-Remembrance), are about the darkness days, of the calendar, for me. With November 15th, being the anniversary date of my dad's death, in 1998. Also, the anniversary date of my self-acceptance of who I am, Therisa, in 2005, As I stood over, my dad's grave, crying, on a very mid-November day, when I realized, an inner true that I have been suppressing, since August 1977, I am female.

Plead For Peace (September 28, 2016)

Am so tired

Of this constant battle

I was wage

On a daily basis.

Just once

I wish You

My Goddess

Could grant me

True peace

For my ravage soul.

So

I may know

What true tranquillity

Is like.

Before

My journey is

Finally over

On this mortal coil.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Written, after another brutal night of broken sleep.

From Meaning, To Reality (October 4, 2016)

Freedom

Is not

Just a word.

But

A human right.

To live your life

Without terror

Or fear.

Go to school

Without being abused

In any form.

To walk

Outside your home

Without being attacked

Or killed.

Sadly

Freedom is

A wishful dream

For many transpeople.

As we gather

On November 20th

To remember those

Who were killed.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This poem was inspired by, the title, of a young adult book, Freedom's Just Another Word, standing in display, at my local library. 

To Wish Impossible Dreams (October 13, 2016)

There are days

Like this

That I feel like

A total fraud.

As if

My very existence

Is an outright lie.

No matter

What I do.

Feeling like

I'm stuck

In those dark 

And violent days

Of my childhood.

Wanting 

To hide away

In the deepest corner

Of my apartment.

Like

The little girl

I feel like

Right now.

Knowing

I don't have

Dad's strong arms

To wrap me

In a supportive hug.

The type

He shared

Freely

Growing up.

Just once

I wish

For one 

Of those hugs.

For my tears 

To flow

Upon his shoulders.

Holding my daemons

Afar

For another day.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This November 15th, will mark the 18th anniversary of my dad's death, from a fatal heart attack, on November 13th. And I find myself, missing him, more than ever, as he tried to encourage me, even though, he didn't understand the needs, I had, as a child, growing up, being ashamed of my need, to be female.