Therisa Ascending (March 2, 2017)

From the smothering

Testosterone tainted ashes

I emerge

Once more.

As I brush off

Various remnants 

From my past life

Off my soul.

Knowing

A long road

Awaits me.

In my sojourn

As a woman.

Wiping away

Those bitter tears

Where hate reign

Supreme.

Surprising myself

With how far

I have travelled

In the past decade.

In finding

Courage and strength

To be honest and true

With myself and others.

Knowing

There are others

Who'll oppose

This journey

Of self-discovery

And healing.

On ignorance

Alone.

Pity.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Wednesday, March 2, 2007, marks the last day that I have worked when I quit my job, as the result of transphobic pressure, applied to me, by the company that I worked, for then. Basically, I had to fight, to attend a peer support group, that met twice, every month, except for December, as the group took that month off. Wasn't unusual for one of the company drivers, to make homophobic comments and jokes, as I worked. 

Over the past 10 years, I lost my apartment, lived in a homeless shelter, been on welfare and now, a provincial disability support program, for my chronic depression, anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, and PTSD. I have learned coping strategies, in dealing, with my various mental illness, and seeking closure, to my abusive past that I have suppressed, for most of my life, without realizing it, until my mental barriers collapsed, on August 14, 2007, when I experienced a 26 hour long panic attack, triggered, during a morning rush hour ride, on the TTC subway line 1. Since then, I have tried to avoid any appointments that placed me, on the TTC, during rush hour, whether it be morning or afternoon.

Am sharing this, with you, to show how far, I have travelled, in the past decade, and how much, is still left to be done, before I can rejoin society and earn my way, as a productive member, able to help others, with my experiences and knowledge. 

Breaking Away (November 1, 2016)

If April is

The month of showers

And May

Flowers.

Then

November is

The month of tears.

I say this

As storm clouds 

Gather.

A time of death

And rebirth.

Of family lost

And a soul

That's reclaimed

From the dead.

As the healing process

Works its way

Through me.

Marking

The transition period

From light to dark

And back

Again.

Refusing

To let the pain

Claim me

As another victim

Of hate.

As it has

For too many year

In my life.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Today is, an anniversary date for me, which 3 years ago, I broke off my last contact with my abusive mom. Thus, cutting off, all contact with my biological family. At the time, I had asked her, if it was possible for her, to get my birthday and Christmas gift, at the same time, as the country roads to her home, can become unsafe, from November until April, due to snow. For I had asked her, for help on buying a new winter jacket, for myself. Needless to say, she found countless excuses, why she couldn't help me, when I rarely ask for anything, from me. After hearing her last excuse, I told her, to sod off and want nothing more, to do with her, in my life. 

Am so tired, of having to fight anxiety attacks, playing by her restrictive rules, whenever I want/or need to contact her, of seeing her eyes filled with fear, which she denies. Her refusal to entry my apartment, as if, I have bedbugs, inside. Generally, being treated, as a childish family member, one can barely tolerate, at the best of times. Who needs, all aspects of their live, to be controlled, by an "adult". As if, I was mentally unable to look, after myself.

The Long Run (January 4, 2016)

You think

I would be

Jumping

Over the moon.

Upon achieving

This milestone

Of five years.

Since

My last suicide attempt.

And yet

A sense of sadness

Fills me.

As the tears stream

Silently

Down my face.

Dreading

The coming month

That January is

For me.

Marking

The coldest month

Of the year

Leaving the soul

Bitterly fragile

To the touch.

Each black "X"

Upon the calendar page

Symbolizes

One less day.

Until

The end

Of this race.

And

February's arrival

With its coming thaws.


Therisa © 2016

Author's Note: The month of January, marks the end, of my annual Fall/Winter depression, which has traditionally, seen an increase, in my suicidal feelings, with the two dark periods of November 11th-20th, and December 24th-January 2nd. January 3, 2016, marked the fifth anniversary, of my last suicide attempt, since the holiday season of 2010-11. Also, the first time, since then, I have found myself, on the edge between passively and actively suicidal, with my suicide index, at 5, out of 10. Where 10 means, I have committed suicide, and someone else is writing about my death to you.