Saturday, 6 February 2016

Thus Speaks, Depression, (February 6, 2016)



www.asknormen.co.uk


My story is
But
One voice
In the wilderness
Seeking acknowledgement.

Of the struggle
To find
Self-acceptance
And self-worth.

Knowing
My own journey
Hasn't been
The hardest
Or the easiest.

To reach
This point of my life.

As a dark cloud
Looms large
Over my horizon.

Feeling myself
Shrinking
Into nothingness.

Except
A bubbling cauldron
Of negative emotions
And empty space
That once housed
My physical body.

In wondering
What difference
In my presence
Making.

Other than
A space filler
Most people don't see.

Even if
I'm standing
Before them
On the sidewalk.

Unless
They stumble
Over my feet.

Maybe
If I'm lucky
Tonight
I won't wake up
On the morrow.

Rather
Will find
That sacred gift 
Of true peace.

For my body
and soul.


Therisa © 2016



Author's note: If you asked me, at the moment, what my level of suicidal ideation is, would have to tell you, it's about 5-5.25, an increase, from Friday's levels of 4.5-5. As I find myself, in the balance, between being passively and actively suicidal. For most of my life that I can remember, these thoughts have always been a part of my life. Existing, most of the time, as a background static, like a radio, just out of tune, for that particular station, you're trying to tune in.


Right now, I am, in no danger of committing suicide, beyond the radio, is getting tuned in.

7 comments:

  1. Please remember you are a valuable human being! Your presence DOES make a difference. Remember that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mary, for your gentle word. This is one of my struggles that I need to address, as part of my healing process. Too often, I have been putted down, as worthless.

      Delete
  2. I appreciate your comment on my post and your honesty at the dark cloud that sometimes looms to close and overshadows hope.
    I understand and share (at least some of your suffering) if you ever need to blow steam comment me with your email and keep writing it is a great way to let off steam. Big hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your welcome, Leslie, and thank you, for your generous offer. Right now, my struggles with diabetes and the possible need to start Insulin, has really thrown me, for a huge loop.

      Delete
  3. In my experience, making it through these dark passages is part of the journey. If we keep on keeping on, eventually we emerge into the light. Hang in there, Therisa. I know it is tough. Just do one day at a time, and the path will unfold under your feet. As Mary says, you ARE a valuable human being and you do matter. Keep writing your way through. I see the message on your arm. In my case, finding that internal freedom meant letting go of the old pain, accepting the past couldnt be any different but that we have now and the years ahead in which to fashion the life we want. Keep writing and reaching out. You are stronger and braver than you know, to have made it this far. I know you can go the distance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sherry. Looking back, over the past decade, my mom's rejection of me, as her daughter, is the darkest moment of my life. Emotionally and spiritually, I crashed, brutally hard, on that Canada Day Weekend (2006). Nearly, toke my life, twice, in the first week, afterwards. Since than, I have been rebuilding my life and soul, from the ground up.

      Delete
    2. Followed, by a close second, of my 26 hour panic attack, which removed, what remained of my mental barriers, as my repressed memories flooded me. Am still dealing with these memories, as I am reaching out for the healing that I need.

      Delete

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