Trypanophobia (February 10, 2016)

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Avoidance

[uh-void-ns]

noun 

 

1.  the act of avoiding or keeping away from:

the avoidance of scandal; the avoidance of one's neighbors.

2. Law. a making void; annulment.

source: www.dictionary.com

I hold you

Within my hands

Unable to

Push the trigger.

To draw

The needed blood

For testing

My glucose levels.

As if

I was holding

A poisonous snake

About to sink

Its venomous fangs

Into my body.

Never mind

I face

The possibility

Of needing to use

Insulin.

To control

What pills can't

Anymore.

I have long memories

Of being held

Or threaten

By medical staff.

As they try

To inject medication

Or draw my blood.

Especially

Those early years

I had to undergo

Several corrective surgeries

To repair my mouth

From a severe electrical burn.

And those

Torturous visits

To the dentist

With his hamfisted touch

Around my constricted

Mouth.

A frustrated sigh

Escapes

At these triggering memories

From my childhood.

* * *

Against my body

It rest

Awaiting

For that final push

Into me.

My hands shaking

With anxiety

Like a Fall leaf

In a gentle breeze.

As I tell myself

I can do it

Over and over

Like a silent mantra

In my head.

Only to

Walk away

In fear

And Frustration.

At another failed attempt

To prick myself

For that bead

Of blood.

Never mind

Those times

I couldn't inject myself

With saline.

In the vain hope

Of relieving

My fears

About needles

And injecting myself.

No matter

How small or big

A needle is

A needle.

Thus

An object of fear

And avoidance

For me.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Not sure, if anyone can truly appreciate, my utter fear of needles, given my current medical situation, of facing the strong possibility of having to inject myself, with Insulin. During my last visit, with my nurse practitioner, we talked about my lack of test results for the glucose monitor and what I was going to do, to improve the number of times that I use it, to test myself. She suggested, I do the bare minimum of 4 tests/week, which means, before and after breakfast, after lunch and after supper, to build up, a database to get a clearer picture, of how my body is breaking down glucose. Sadly, in the 11 days since, the appointment, I have did it, only twice. Am hoping, this weekend, to have tested myself, 3 times, as it’s a long weekend, in Ontario.