When Darkness Whispers (May 4, 2016)

Am I

Delusional

For thinking

My poems are

Making a difference?

By exposing

The rawest

And darkest pain

Of the soul

One can endure.

Without

Committing suicide

Afterwards.

I ask

As my inner darkness

Threatens to unleash

A tsunami of tears

Upon me.

So tired

Of this constant battle

I find myself

Bogged down

In.

Only wanting

A mere moment

To be free

Of this engagement

Most soul perilous.

Knowing

To surrender

Would be suicidal

On a lesser scale.

But rest

I must have

For the sake

Of my own health.

Or

Else.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Written, after another stress filled therapy session, which I touched upon, some of the darkness and negative emotions, I have internalized, over the years.

Beyond The Yin And Yang (May 4, 2016)

A void

Nothing more

I am

To most people.

That leaves you

Scratching your head

In bafflement.

Why

A white "male"

Would give up

"His" position

Of entitlement

To live life

As a woman.

Locking

Your tunnel vision

Upon the economic

And political powers.

Never mind

There's life

Beyond them

If you look

Without your blinders

On.

Realizing

Sometimes

One must move

In a different direction.

Realigning

Their spiritual needs.

To the point

The physical form

Unites

With their inner soul.

Regardless

Of the price

One must pay.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Written on the subway, this afternoon (May 4, 2016), to see my therapist.

Secret Agent Gurl (May 4, 2016)

Like a spy

On a dangerous mission

Slipping through life

Over two years

In the deepest cover.

Living the stress

Of a dual life

Straddling
The gender divide.

One foot

Firmly

In the closet.

My nerves

And senses

Hyper-vigilant.

Every knock

Upon my door
Sent hiding

My feminine self.

Knowing

Society frowns

Upon "males"

In dresses.

Something

I've learnt

The hard way

As the memories

Of being trans-bashed

Lingers.

Those drive-by slurs

Whether transphobic

Or homophobic.

Doesn't just evaporate

Into thin air

Like dry ice does.

However

I wish

They would.

Is it

Any wonder

So many trans-people

Attempt suicide.

Given

This warm reception

From society.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: From 2005, until June 2007, I walked the narrow dividing line, between male and female, when I lost my apartment, and was forced, into a woman's homeless shelter, in Toronto. As I had to physically move, to Toronto, from Brampton (about 30 minute drive, by car) , for there are no shelters there that are aimed, to help the trans-community, like Toronto has done. It's ironic, by losing my housing freedom, I have gained, the freedom to dress, in my true self, as a woman, full time, 24/7/365.


For more information, about the daily struggles that the trans-community faces, please click on the following link: http://www.vocativ.com/culture/lgbt/transgender-suicide/

A Land Beyond (May 3, 2016)

Used with permission, from Mish.

A land

Built harsh

And to extremes.

Yet

If one looks

Very carefully

You'll see

A beauty.

Unlike

Anything else

On earth.

Reminding me

There's more to

Be witnessed

Around us.

Then

The artificial dualities

We have created

In our daily life.

Of black/white

Off/on

Or wealth/poverty.

Often wonder

How different life

Would be

If we had to spent

A week or two

There.

Without

Any of the gadgets

We have become

So reliant

Upon.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Although, I have never travelled, to the US southwest, the photos remind of my childhood trip, to southern Alberta and the badlands, that are shared, with North Dakota. And the rich site of fossilized remains of Dinosaurs and sea creatures, from long ago.

Reconstruction Time Blues (May 3, 2016)

There are days

I find myself

Feeling like

A chameleon .

Blending

Into the emotional

Background.

Seeking shelter

As my emotions

Violently

Swirl around

Like a winter maelstrom.

Just trying

To hold everything

Together.

Hoping

I don't fall prey

To the darker feelings

Within me.

Long held

Suppressed

Behind mental barriers

Dating back

To a prehistorically past

Of long ago.

I've forgotten

Their first erection

Upon my soulscape.

As a time of renewal

Is upon me.

Replacing

And rebuilding

What been put off

For decades.

Forced

To make

Hard choices

About the path

I walk.

Many

I don't like

But
Must face.

If I want

True healing

For my body

And soul.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: A reminder to self, about the paths, I can walk down, knowing, not all of them, will help me, to release the inner darkness, I have been hiding, behind mental walls, for decades.

Angel Of Mercy (May 3, 2016)

Please accept

These words of gratitude

For your generous gifts

That you've donated

Out of kindness.

In making life

More comfortable

For those

Who are dealing

With difficult circumstances.

Although

We have started

As strangers

To one and another.

Your gifts have

Provided a bridge

Of hope and compassion

In bringing us

Closer

Together.

By paying us

Forward.

In the hope

We can return

Your love

To others.

When

We're able to

For the next person.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: A poetic thank you, for a very generous heart, who, over the past months, has made several donations to my apartment building, which, the rent is income geared. This poem is being used, as the centerpiece, in thank you card, to this very kind and generous person.

You Don't Say (May 2, 2016)

Honestly

Don't understand

What

All this fuss

Is about.

As if

It's groundbreaking news

Trans-people are

Being denied

Access to medical service.

Come on

Get with the program

Folks.

It's the 19th century

And not

The 21st century.

Where ignorance

And fear

Are the buzzwords

Of the day.

Regardless

Of one's

Level of education

Or station

In life.

To think

They'll demand

The same equal rights

Like you and I have.

What's the world

Coming to?

Utter ruins.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Earlier, in April, I caught the tail end of a story, on CBC Radio1's morning national newscast, about a researcher's find, which he published, in a journal that the Trans-community is still facing discrimination, from British doctors, who used, a variety of excuses, ranging from religion, lack of time, outright ignorance, to transphobia. Not surprising, if the British medical school spend, as little time, as the North American ones do, which is, zero. And yes, these same problems are alive and well, in Canada, too. As I am sad, to admit, having faced my own share of transphobic medical personnel.

My doctor's office is, part of the satellite network of clinics, that belonging to one of Toronto's largest teaching hospital, as a result of this, am usually, the first trans-patient that they have seen, as part of their internship, as a family doctor. Thus, have to educate the interns, what it means, to be trans. And, the various problems, we face, as a community.


Must admit, it has taken me, until now, to find the right approach, in writing this poem and the tone, that I wanted to did it. Know, this tone of mine, will piss off some people, but really, I don't care. As I am so sick of hearing, people saying, it's a "generational gap". Freaking bull shit. It's ignorance and fear, pure and simple.

Moving Beyond Isolation (May 1, 2016)

Please excuse me

If I come across

As being

Ungrateful

To you.

Still struggling

To accept

People

Who are nice

To me.

Not

Because

They have

A dark motive.

Rather

They give

A damn

About me

As a person.

Something

That is new

And scary

In my life.

In having

Someone

Standing by
As I gear up

To fight

My battles.

Too often

In the past

Have been made

To feel like

I was imposing

On others.

A hopeless loser

Who deserves

Everything

That's coming

(Usually bad).

By asking

For help.

As I breakdown

My defensive walls

And the negative thoughts

Built

Over a lifetime.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Inspired, by several conversations, which I had, over the last two days of April. Leaving me, feeling shocked and surprised, at the level of verbal support, I was hearing, being expressed to me, in clear and definite terms.

One Victory, In An Endless War (April 30, 2016)

Oh my Goddess

I'm doing it

As I sit

On the westbound subway

To downtown.

Having agreed

To an afternoon out

With a friend

At the movies.

Taking a chance

On happiness

Over my chronic fear

Of being triggered

For anxiety/panic attacks.

Previously

Having rejected

All other requests.

Be lying

If I said

I wasn't anxious

About being anxious

Around crowds.

Especially

Travelling through

Yonge-Bloor station.

The site

Of many anxiety attacks

Over the years.

Although

I arrived there

With plenty of time

And (relatively)

Anxiety-free

At the theatre.

It's a journey

I wouldn't want

To do

On a daily basis.

Feeling like

Am playing

A version of Russian Roulette

With my sense

Of personal space.

But knowing

Just getting here

I have faced

Several personal daemons

And won.

Huge victory

For an afternoon outing

By me.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This afternoon (April 30, 2016), I saw my first movie (Mother's Day), in a theatre, since June 2007 (Ratatouille), when I was living, in a downtown Toronto woman's homeless shelter. Normally, I wait, until a particular movie comes out, on DVD/Blu-Ray, before I see it. Being in settings, which has large crowds, is one of my triggers, for anxiety/panic attacks, while I try to avoid taking the public transit, during the rush hour periods. Or, attend events that will attract large crowds, liking seeing a film, during the evening or the weekend matinees.

Aah (April 29, 2016)

T

To my left

I see

Your curled up form

Sleeping

On my backpack.

Looking

So angelic

I hate to

Disturb you

Star.

Searing

This sight

Into my memory.

As a smile

Graces my face

At this "Kodak moment".

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Sorry, for the late posting, but life, got in the way, here.