When A Dysphoric Soul Speaks (June 29, 2018)

Times

My body fills

With dangerous self-loathing

To its “maleness”.

Feels wrong

Needing to remove

At all costs.

Battling society's perception

That boys are boys

And girls girls.

Never shall twain meet.

My dysphoric yelling

Open rebellion

To society's restrictive defining

Male and female?

Some call

My idealized self

Matching body to soul

Self-mutilated abomination.

Accepted

Without questioning sanity

Surgically altered bodies

For vain cosmetic reasons.

Please just push me

Off the bridge’s ledge

Into the traffic

Ending my misery.

Therisa © 2018

A Dream Postponed (May 10, 2017)

To some people

I am

A freak.

Who dreams

Of giving birth

To my own children.

But

Can't.

Genetics stopped

That biological clock

At conception.

Without great risk

To myself

Or my developing child

Outside of the womb.

How do I explain

To you

This feeling

Of incompleteness

I have.

In the early days

Of SRS

Of the late 1920's

And early 1930's

Doctors would've transplanted

Female reproductive system

From cadaver donours.

Enabling

My chance

Of a normal pregnancy.

Although

At great cost

Of rejection

For the transplanted organs.

Unlike today

Tissue typing

Wasn't done.

And anti-rejection drugs

Weren't developed

Yet.

As many transwomen died

From the shock

Of organ rejection.

And still

This siren call

Beckons me

Forward.

Of one day

Being able to hold

This bundle of joy

With stem cell research.

Regardless

Whether

We are cis

Or transwomen.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Given my age and medical condition, this remains a dream for me.  

Deepest Wish (May 26, 2016)

Shall

You offer me

Chance of a time

To have

A fully functional

Female body.

With

The only catch being

After a year

My time

Upon this plane

Is up.

Without

Any hesitation

Or second guessing.

My answer is

A resounding

"Yes".

Even with

The most advanced SRS

Will never be

Fully female

In body.

That's if

I get approval

And funding

In the first place.

Before

You start yelling

And screaming

At me.

I know

Changing my body

Won't eradicate

My various mental illnesses

Or the other issues

I have.

But

For a moment

I'll experience something

That's forever

Denied

To other trans-women.

Having a period.

However

Brief

It may be.

It's worth it.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Written, while doing my laundry, late, at night.

Sound Of Total Silence (May 24, 2016)

My biological clock

Was still-born

At time

Of conception.

Never

Able to experience

What it means

To be fully female.

In all aspect

Of life.

Only

An approximation

At a surgical best

By a scalpel.

Leaving me

Neither

Male nor female

As a result.

Rather

A third gender

Straddling

The gender divide.

In fuelling

My unanswered yearning

To give birth

And hold

Within my arms

My own child.

No amount

Of counselling

Or river of tears

Can change this.

Thus

Haunting me

To the grave.

Therisa © 2016

Author's notes: Unlike the early years of SRS, the current version, doesn't include, the transplantation of the female reproductive system, into a trans-woman. In one way, sparing the horrors that the earlier SRS recipients had to face, with organ rejection and the numerous surgeries, as a result. But, I wonder, given the advances, in stem cell research, if it's not possible to do this, without the worry of organ rejection and the need to take medication for the rest of our lives, as a result of these advances. For myself, it's too late, and I know it.

Tat, Lili (May 8, 2016)

Dear Miss Elbe;

Please forgive me

In my ignorance

Of your journey

And life.

As The Danish Girl

Unfolds

Before me

A constant stream

Of tears

Stains my blouse.

Finding myself

Needing to write this

In letting go

Of your fears

You have faced

Head on

Lili.

Wish

I could tell you

Society has changed

In accepting us

As the men and women

We are.

Almost

A century later

The pain and stress

Of self-acceptance

And expressing it

Remains

The same.

Giving truth

To our true self

Means death

To our bodies

As the world

Knew us.

Some may call it

Mutilation

On the surgeries

We undergo.

But

Soul peace

Knows no price

We must pay

To experience it.

Even if

It means death

To our physical body.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: On Mother's Day (May 8), I watched, for the first time, The Danish Girl, the story of Lili Elbe, and her struggle to be true, to herself, in being, the first transwoman, to undergo SRS. In comparison, against today's version of SRS, what Lili faced was barbaric, in the need for multiple surgeries to do, what is done, with usually one operation. Two, if the person has the orchiectomy done first. For more information about SRS, please click on the following link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_reassignment_surgery

Personally, I felt the film underplayed, the level of homophobic and transphobic violence, in Europe, at the time, considering, it was late 1920s, and the rise of ultra-right wing nationalistic parties, across Europe, as a whole. From my own research, I know that LBGT+ concentration camps survivors were held long after WWII had ended, in jail or the camps, themselves. Otherwise, the film captured accurately, how feels to struggle, with gender dysphoria.

Only wish, our community had talked more about the true bravery, Ms. Elbe showed, in being the first candidate to complete SRS surgery, even though, she lost her life, to it. Only hope, I have your inner strength, when my turn comes around.

The Mountain Of Life (January 20, 2016)

www.agreekadventure.com

It stands

Before me

Like K2

Or Mount Everest.

Taunting me

To assault

Its steep slopes.

My hands

Searching for

That elusive grip

To propel me

Upwards.

Having spent

What seems

Like an eternity

On this rocky outcrop.

Scared

To look down

Where I've climbed

Over the past decade.

Afraid

I'll lose my footing

As vertigo

Over takes me.

(My fear of heights

Is second

To that

Of needles.)

Having

Already fallen

Backwards.

Losing several meters

(And years)

As a result.

Forced

To restart

From the base

Up.

Without

The same margin

Of error.

I

Once

Had.

Knowing

My future health

And any possibility

Of SRS.

Hang

In the balance.

Regaining control

Over my Type II diabetes

And mental health.

As I retrace

My steps

Upon the rock cliff.

Hoping

Of reaching

My dream's summit.


Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Yesterday (January 19, 2016), I had an appointment, with my diabetic nurse and dietitian, at their downtown Toronto office, as part of the follow-up, to my starting a new med, just before Christmas, last year. At the time, my glucose reading were dangerously high, in the low to mid-20s mmol/L. In Canada, a healthy person, should readings between 4 and 6 mmol/L, during a blood test. A diabetic is considered, within acceptable levels, if they test, between 4 and 7 mmol/L, before eating or drinking any food. At two hours afterwards, it increases between 5 and 10 mmol/L, for diabetics.


Lucky me, I get to see my family doctor and have fasting blood work done, tomorrow morning. A task, I'm not looking forward to, in having, to go and see the vampires, in the lab. Sigh.