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Prepping For Soul Soup (January 13, 2016)

Photo from http://www.hubpages.com Sitting down With a paring knife And a cooking onion In my hands. Taking my time To ensur...

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Only If.... (September 4, 2012)

Another
School year
Is starting up
And I find myself
Looking backwards.

Wondering
What if I had gone
To my senior prom.

As
Whom I am
A girl
Dressed in
A formal dress.

While
Alphaville's
"Forever young"
Is played
At the last dance.

Alas
This isn't
The reality
Of what happen.

Instead
I stayed home
Conflicted
Between perception
And reality.

Of
Having to wear
To a suit
If I wished
To attend.

Might
As well been
Wearing a straitjacket
Is how I feel
About having to
Wear a suit.

Sigh.

Therisa © 2012

Author's note: During the 1980's, HIV/AIDS was emerging, in the general public, as a dead disease that killed many members of the LGBT+ community. As a teenager, struggling with gender identity, in this time period, there was no resources available to me, like there is, today. I felt totally isolated and a freak, for feeling trapped, in the wrong body, despite, what everyone else told me, contrary to my thoughts. In the Ontario school systems, there was no mention of being trans or bisexual, for Phy. Ed teachers, only mentioned gay and lesbians, during the health unit, along with various methods of birth control. Sadly, when they did mention the gays/lesbians, they did so, uneasy, making cruel comments and jokes, about them. 

Maybe, some day, I will be able to have my prom moment, and not feel shamed, for wanting to express my inner self, to the world. Until then, I can only dream, what that night have been like, for me.


Welcome To My Relativity (August 27, 2016)

Not sure
Why my eyes
Are tearing up
Right now.

As I feel 
The tears
Begging for release.

Before
Anyone suggests
It's because 
Of my hormone levels.

You must know
I haven't been taking
Any estrogen 
(In any form)
For the past 2 years.

Even though
My estrogen levels
Are totally female
On my last test
In late April.
 
My baseline test
Described me
As a teenager
Having a period.

(Despite
The reality
Of having 
A thirty-something 
Body.)

I have never asked
For a genetic test
To prove 
Whether or not
I'm Intersex.

Of course
The $1 000 cost
(At the time)
For the genetic test.

I would pay
If the test
Came back
As male.

May have 
Something
To do
With my decision.

Still
I know
My soul is 
Eternally female.

Regardless
Of what 
Anybody 
Tells me.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Sigh.

Friday, 26 August 2016

Cost Of A Day Out (August 26, 2016)

Price
I must pay
For a day
On the town.

Surrounded
By crowds 
Of people.

Enjoying
A hot and humid
Summer's day
In the city.

Taking in
One final dash
Of Summer
Before Fall's arrival.

As the subway 
Is packed
With young families
For a fun day
At the "X"
(Canadian National Exhibition).

Later
The afternoon rush hour
Is mixed
With commuters
Heading home.

And baseball fans
Convening on
The Roger's Center.

Hoping for
A Blue Jay victory
Over the visiting Angels.

Only 
To lost
6-3.

As my soul
Is slowly drained
Leaving me
Exhausted.

Wanting
To curl up 
And hide away
From society
For the next 2 days.

Until 
My body's batteries
Are recharged.

The toll extracted
Whenever
I'm surrounded
By crowds.

Upon 
My introverted 
Anxious soul.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Yesterday, I had an appointment with my therapy, during the afternoon, and thought, I would visit a close friend, on the way, back home. Never expecting the visit would last later than 11 pm, when I got home, to my apartment, after seeing the film, Suicide Squad. Originally, I thought, the visit would last, until the downtown rush, would be over, for the Jays/Angels game, at the Roger Center. As the film,I felt the various film characters were underwritten or the actors portrayed them, in the way, they are written, in the comic book, which the film is based upon. 

Saturday, 20 August 2016

The Road To Hell..... (August 15, 2016)

I know 
You thought
Your actions were
In the best interest
For me.

Never realizing
The damage
You're doing.

With your lies
To both
Of us.

And yet
When I confront you
With your actions.

You react like
I am attacking you
Physically
With my words.

Knowing
How I will react
To your tears
Blaming myself
For hurting you.

By sugarcoating
Traumatic events
That happened
Around us.

As if
I'm a delicate flower
That'll disintegrated 
At the slightest pressure.

Do you realize
How much
I want to scream
At you:

"STOP 
TREATING ME
LIKE THIS!"

But
Do not.

Knowing
You'll never understand
My reasons.

And you wonder
Why I don't come
To you
With my troubles.

Unless
It's the last resort
Available 
Mom.

Having experienced
Several decades
Of your smothering love.

Treating me
Like a 4 year old child
Who had her mouth
Blown
Wide open
From electrical burns.

Well
That little girl is
All grown up
And has left home
Permanently
Mom.

Therisa © 2016


This Corrosion (October 4, 2012)

Feel
Your taint
Coursing through
My body.

Poisoning
My soul
Throughout.

Where
Self-hatred is
The norm
Not the exception.

In
Seeing myself
As a monster
To others.

As
Punches and kicks
Turn my body 
Black and blue.

While
My soul
Whithers away
Upon the caustic
Verbal attacks.

Until
Only a shell
Which you see
Before you
Remains.

Feeling
Full of shame
And despair
About myself.

Therisa © 2012

Author's note: An older darker poem, about my self-hatred and self-loathing, generated from a long history of abuse.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Just Another Tuesday Afternoon (August 16, 2016)

Can feel
My soul begin
The slow process
Of cycling 
Through my emotions.

As if
I stuck
In a viscous pool
Of molasses
Up to my neck.

Dropping
From a position
Of 5 steps 
Below equilibrium
Into a swan dive
Of 7 steps
Lower.

(Never able
To move 
Beyond 
Near equilibrium
From the depression side
Of the line.

(Even with
Various anti-depressant 
Cocktails
Over the years.)

Refusing 
Any new medication.

(Unless
I am placed
In a round 
Padded room.

(Wearing
A white canvas jacket
With long sleeves
That tighten
Behind my back.)

Without 
A second thought
My left hand moves
Towards the eyes.

To wipe away 
(Phantom) tears
(This time)
I have been shedding
On a constant basis
Over my lifetime.

As my eyes
Feel like
They're constantly
Crying.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Wish I could say, this is an aberration of my daily life, but sadly, too many days are like this, for me, especially, during my semi-annual bouts of depression that strike me. 

Yesterday (August 15, 2016), my nurse practitioner and I, talked about sleep apnea and the possibility that I may have it, given all of the warning signs, I have. She suggested I get tested, with a sleep study, at one of the major teaching hospitals, here, in Toronto. Now, I have to wait one-two months, before the study happens overnight, at the hospital, and see, what the report says, about my sleep patterns.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

The Urge To Purge (August 14, 2016)

As I look
My body over
An anger fills me.

At the cruel twist
Of fate.

I have been forced
To endure
Over my lifetime.

Knowing
I'm trapped
Within the wrong gender
And powerless
To change it.

Even though
Modern medicine 
Has advance
To the point.

Of giving me
A feminine appearing
Body.

Stopping short
Of a truly feminine body
Able to give birth
With a female reproductive
System.

Fighting
The very thoughts
That would end
My life.

By 
Permanently removing
My male genitalia.

As these depressive thoughts
Threaten
To overwhelm me
With the need 
To act out

And make this
My new reality.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Wish, I could say, these feeling of self hatred towards my biological body, weren't so intense, that I want to self-harm myself, in correcting the disconnect, between the physical image that I present to the world, and the mental image, i have, of myself. And yes, like my chronic depression, these thoughts of self-harming are cyclical, in nature. Never aware, when they will arise and overcome me. 

To date, I have manage to contain these thoughts, but do know, the day will come, when I will be powerless to stop them, from happening. I have told my medical team, about these thoughts, and they're monitoring me, to see, if they get any worse.