Money, Money (August 29, 2019)

Feel guilty

Passing panhandlers

At local supermarket.

Telling them

"Sorry can't help you"

Keeping quiet

About own needs.

Cutting corners

When needing something

Can't afford.

Rent subsidy

Almost $1000/month

Tiny 1 bedroom apartment.

More money

Than disability stipend.

Combined - still below

Canada's single person

Poverty line.

Sigh.

Under Premier Ford

Real buying power

Declines through inflation.

People like myself

Viewed financial liability

Not government's

Social responsibility.

Promising tighter definition

For disability assistance

Using federal tax code.

Eliminating

Some future applicants

With physical/mental illnesses

Now covered.

Believing jobs

Society's cure-all.

Short-term focus

Rewarding supporters

With fiscal policies.

Deficit grows.

Crying "poor"

Attack those

With least political power:

The elderly children

And the disabled.

Only stopping

Optics corners government.

Not even

A cabinet shuffle

Can change narrative.

Directionless government

Listing side to side

From self-inflicted wounds.

Voters will remember

Come June 2022

As the budget cuts

Impact them

Directly.

Therisa © 2019

Author’s note: Since March 2008, I have been living on the Ontario Disability

Support Program (ODSP), for my mental illness and PTSD, caused by long term abuse

and bullying that I have endured over the years. Often, repressing it, behind mental walls

that collapsed on August 14, 2007, during a brutal panic attack that lasted 26 hours,

before.I could start my recovery. Sadly, this won’t be the last time, I have suffered from

severe panic attacks that have crippled me, emotionally and physically, as the result of

my PTSD. 

Earlier this year, Premier Ford’s government tabled its first provincial budget, after

winning the June 2018 election. In that budget, the government promised to revise the

definition of disability that ODSP operates under, to the federal one that Canada

Revenue Agency uses, for income tax purposes. A more restrictive definition that

eliminates many people who fill for mental illness and some physical illness (IE some

cancers). Reducing the exposure that the provincial government has to pay out. As a

means to balancing its financial books.

During this budget presentation, the government promised that they would “grandfather” people like myself. Who wouldn’t qualify under the promoses new rules for ODSP. Have to wait and see, if Ford and his flunkies keep their word, as I don’t trust them.

Political Headwinds (August 29, 2019)

As a Canadian

My eyes

Turn southwards

To the United States.

Fascinated horror

Watching political drama

Unfolding.

As Canadians

We tell ourselves

Trump - impossible.

Reality check

Folks.

Since 1995

Ontario has elected 

A Tea Party (Mike Harris:1995-2002)

And Trumpian (Doug Ford: 2018-present)

Premier.

(Third of Canada

Resides here.)

Toronto's 2018 mayoral election

White supremacist - 3rd 

With 3% of votes.

Canada's largest

Ethnically diverse city.

Unlike the US

Canada can't impeach

Its Prime Ministers/Premiers.

But we can

Have punished them

At election time.

Ask Kim Campbell

Or any Progressive Conservatives MP

About 1993 federal election.

Reducing majority government

To 2 members

Neither one

Is Kim Campbell.

Sigh.

Knowing

Tsunami - fast approaching

And we're not prepared.

Emotionally mentally

Or politically.

For the resulting changes

We must endure

In the coming years.

Deluding ourselves

Thinking - Canadians are

Morally superior

To Americans.

Hiding it better

Behind a false smile

As the knife stabs.

Deep

Into the target's back.

Therisa © 2019

No Title Here (August 25, 2019)

More than I care

A poem's title

Remains elusive.

Must admit

I've struggled

Best of times.

Two weeks

Or more

For some poems.

"Untitled" feels like

A cop out 

To writing process.

As if

I'm running

On fumes

Before the finish line

Is crossed.

Therisa © 2019

Lost Opportunity? (August 20, 2019)

So easy

Lose oneself

In self-hate

And self-harming.

Never realizing

Until later. 

Societal barriers

Consciously erected

Falsely held protection.

Self-righteousness

Harming innocent people

Seeking help.

Maintaining a myth

Rigidly held definition

Of male/female.

Eleven years ago

Contacted Toronto crisis center 

For abused women.

Intake process

Humoured

Like I didn't matter.

Hanging up 

Ending that thread.

Drowning

In mental illness

And PTSD.

Doctor reads

Mental riot act

Seventy-two hour

Psych observation.

Somehow

Avoided this.

Little has changed

Past 11 years

For these crisis centers.

(Odd center

May help all

Cis/transwomen.

Exception

Not the rule.)

Fought tooth and nail

Against gender orientation

In Canada's criminal code 

And Human Rights Act.

Why?

Gender Critical Feminists

View transwomen

Agents provocateur

Under cismale's control 

Stealing rights earned.

Damage isn't limited

To those seeking help

Includes staff too.

Believing our presence

Revictimizes clients.

How do we prove

This is spurious

When denied

Chance to heal?

Or present unified front

For women's rights

In a growing hostile world.

Viewing all women

Second class citizens

To discriminate

Or abuse.

Therisa © 2019

Author’s note: The Gender Critical Feminists and the Conservative Senators failed to defeat the passage of C-16 (2016), during the 3rd and final reading of the Bill, which can into law, after Royal Assent, in June 19, 2017. The 7th time, that this type of legislation has been proposed in the House of Commons and Senate. In the previous attempts, this Bill has died for various precedicial reasons, by the govening party, at the time.

If A Tree... (August 16, 2019)

They fall

Neither seen

Nor heard.

Invisible hand

Erasing existence

From collective memory

Never understanding why.

Ripple spreads

Like water dropped

In a puddle.

Each concentric circle

Grows ever larger.

Mathematical equation

Most people struggle

To understand.

Until

No longer visible.

Therisa © 2019

An Oxymoron? (August 12, 2019)

Safety.

How do I describe it

Outside - looking in.

Scared of

Panic attack

Meltdowns.

Bus drivers

Gives me

Disgusted look.

Last minute 

Backing away

From transit stop 

Almost full bus approaches.

To board

Am spinning 

Nearly empty chamber.

Blindly slammed closed

Barrel against skull

Trigger pulled.

Body - on autopilot

Should hammer strike bullet. 

Mentally and physically

Systems collapsing

Fading to black.

Other passengers

Blithely unaware 

Of unfolding drama

Before them.

And yet

True healing means

Taking risks

Outside safety zone.

Pushing envelope 

In all ways.

Times I'll stumble

Recognizing barriers

I'm not ready for. 

Self-compassion

Taking healing breaks

When needed. 

Otherwise

Multiple days lost.

Trapped

Within my apartment's 

Walls.

Restoring 

Lost physical

And mental energy.

Therisa © 2019

Author's note: On July 31, 2019, I travelled downtown, to Toronto's gay village. Where I
met up with a long time friend and supporter of my poetry, Z. In July 2006, Z and two other
transmen, helped me, after being rejected by my mom. I know, without their help and
support, I wouldn't be here, to write this. 

I arranged our get-together, so that I wouldn't have to use the TTC, during rush hour.
Having totally forgotten about the Caribbean carnival activities for the first weekend
of August. It was about 1:30ish, when I started my journey home, from Wellesley Station
on Line 1. Never expecting that I would have to let 4 subway trains past, before I can
board it.

As each subway train pass, my anxiety level rose. Scared, I would be forced to take a
northbound train that would trigger a possible panic attack. Got extremely lucky that the
subway, I boarded, was about half full to the Bloor-Yonge Station, where I transferred to
the eastbound Line 2 subway. Changing from the subway, to a transit bus, at Main Street
Subway Station. Dropping me, minutes from my apartment, around 3 pm.

Wish, I could say that my day was over, but I needed to go grocery shopping. I took
an afternoon nap to recharge myself. Figuring, stupidly that I could handle rush hour
traffic, on the route #24, given traffic would be reduced, due to summertime vacations. 

Nope, not a chance in Hell!

Although, I did get lucky. in finding a northbound bus, which  I could sit down and distract
myself, from the flow of passengers. Until I got to the stop that I needed for the super-
market.

Mental note to self, never do this again. Not worth the money saved.

By the time, I had this and another shopping trip done, it was about 9:30 pm, and I was
totally burnt out. Needing Thursday and Friday  (August 1-2), for my recovery days.
Truthfully, it felt like I had just recovered from a severe anxiety/panic attack. Given, how
my body felt and the time needed to restore myself, to normal.