Safety.
How do I describe it
Outside - looking in.
Scared of
Panic attack
Meltdowns.
Bus drivers
Gives me
Disgusted look.
Last minute
Backing away
From transit stop
Almost full bus approaches.
To board
Am spinning
Nearly empty chamber.
Blindly slammed closed
Barrel against skull
Trigger pulled.
Body - on autopilot
Should hammer strike bullet.
Mentally and physically
Systems collapsing
Fading to black.
Other passengers
Blithely unaware
Of unfolding drama
Before them.
And yet
True healing means
Taking risks
Outside safety zone.
Pushing envelope
In all ways.
Times I'll stumble
Recognizing barriers
I'm not ready for.
Self-compassion
Taking healing breaks
When needed.
Otherwise
Multiple days lost.
Trapped
Within my apartment's
Walls.
Restoring
Lost physical
And mental energy.
Therisa © 2019
Author's note: On July 31, 2019, I travelled downtown, to Toronto's gay village. Where I
met up with a long time friend and supporter of my poetry, Z. In July 2006, Z and two other
transmen, helped me, after being rejected by my mom. I know, without their help and
support, I wouldn't be here, to write this.
met up with a long time friend and supporter of my poetry, Z. In July 2006, Z and two other
transmen, helped me, after being rejected by my mom. I know, without their help and
support, I wouldn't be here, to write this.
I arranged our get-together, so that I wouldn't have to use the TTC, during rush hour.
Having totally forgotten about the Caribbean carnival activities for the first weekend
of August. It was about 1:30ish, when I started my journey home, from Wellesley Station
on Line 1. Never expecting that I would have to let 4 subway trains past, before I can
board it.
Having totally forgotten about the Caribbean carnival activities for the first weekend
of August. It was about 1:30ish, when I started my journey home, from Wellesley Station
on Line 1. Never expecting that I would have to let 4 subway trains past, before I can
board it.
As each subway train pass, my anxiety level rose. Scared, I would be forced to take a
northbound train that would trigger a possible panic attack. Got extremely lucky that the
subway, I boarded, was about half full to the Bloor-Yonge Station, where I transferred to
the eastbound Line 2 subway. Changing from the subway, to a transit bus, at Main Street
Subway Station. Dropping me, minutes from my apartment, around 3 pm.
northbound train that would trigger a possible panic attack. Got extremely lucky that the
subway, I boarded, was about half full to the Bloor-Yonge Station, where I transferred to
the eastbound Line 2 subway. Changing from the subway, to a transit bus, at Main Street
Subway Station. Dropping me, minutes from my apartment, around 3 pm.
Wish, I could say that my day was over, but I needed to go grocery shopping. I took
an afternoon nap to recharge myself. Figuring, stupidly that I could handle rush hour
traffic, on the route #24, given traffic would be reduced, due to summertime vacations.
an afternoon nap to recharge myself. Figuring, stupidly that I could handle rush hour
traffic, on the route #24, given traffic would be reduced, due to summertime vacations.
Nope, not a chance in Hell!
Although, I did get lucky. in finding a northbound bus, which I could sit down and distract
myself, from the flow of passengers. Until I got to the stop that I needed for the super-
market.
myself, from the flow of passengers. Until I got to the stop that I needed for the super-
market.
Mental note to self, never do this again. Not worth the money saved.
By the time, I had this and another shopping trip done, it was about 9:30 pm, and I was
totally burnt out. Needing Thursday and Friday (August 1-2), for my recovery days.
Truthfully, it felt like I had just recovered from a severe anxiety/panic attack. Given, how
my body felt and the time needed to restore myself, to normal.
totally burnt out. Needing Thursday and Friday (August 1-2), for my recovery days.
Truthfully, it felt like I had just recovered from a severe anxiety/panic attack. Given, how
my body felt and the time needed to restore myself, to normal.
1 comment:
Yes, that much activity, in such dense traffic, would need some days to recover, for sure. So glad you met your friends, though, and that you had their support when you most needed it.
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