Opa's Candy (February 28, 2017)

He greeted us

With a toothless grin

And a twinkle

His eyes.

Offering forth

A small white 

Paper bag

To us.

His grandchildren.

We

The older grandchildren

Knew better.

To say

"No thanks"

To his offer.

Within

That white package

Was coarsely cut

Chewing tobacco.

Although

I have forgotten

It's taste.

Still remember

The look

On my cousins' face

Of surprise

And disgust.

As they took

A shred or two

Into their mouth

And chewed.

A sad sigh

Escapes me.

As I realize

It has been 33 years

He last drew

A breath.

Passing away

On my birthday

February 2, 1984.

Grabbing 

The long stale bag

Of coarse cut chewing tobacco

From my high boy dresser.

Tossing it

Into the garbage.

Bringing closure

To that part

Of my life.

Therisa © 2017

Author's Note: My 2800th written poem. My Opa like to tease us, the grandchildren, with his chewing tobacco, a ritual game that he played, whenever we would visit him and Oma, at their place. Never once, I did ever see him, spit out the tobacco, in the presence of us, grandchildren, which he bought, at the local co-op store, in Dunneville, Ontario.

Transphobia (February 27, 2017)

I stand

Before you

At the crossroads

Of our friendship.

Scared

Shitless

How you'll react

To my true self.

Knowing

Past attempts

At being open

Like this.

Have spiraled downwards

Into a dark 

And suicidal depression

At being rejected.

Of your strong

Conservative religious

Beliefs.

That place

Lesbian relationships

As a mortal sin

To my soul.

Never mind

My crossing

Of the gender divide

As well.

Knowing

You could

So easily hurt me

With your anger.

Both emotionally

And physically.

And yet

Refuse

To let my fears

Control my life

Like some drone

On autopilot.

Been there

Done that

Got the t-shirt

To prove it.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Wish I could say, that I had a positive experience, in opening up and sharing myself,
but this person's beliefs proved to be too strong, to overcome their religious fears, about me.
As they grew more distanced from me, over time, until I broke off, our friendship.

My Salvation (February 25, 2017)

Hard to believe

A decade will have pass

This August.

Since

My last interaction

With my younger brother

In telling him:

"You're dead

To me.

"Next time
I see you
You'll be 6 feet under."

Rebuilding my life

Piecing together

The various fragments

Of a complex jigsaw puzzle.

Where
No two pieces
Are cut
With the same die.

Having learnt
The harsh lesson
Of not forcing things
To fit.

Because
I wanted them
To.

As a panic attack
Gripped my soul
In it's tightening grasp
With little chance
Of letting go
Anytime soon.

Writing
About my abusive past
In a series of monologues
On my transitional journey.

Needing to prove
To myself
My dark memories
Don't control me.

I do.

In seeking
Their release
In the written word
That I can't speak
To others.

However
Painful
It may be
At that moment
In time.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Isn't it ironic, my multiple learning disabilities, which made writing anything near impossible, as I struggled, in school and university. Now, shape my healing process, and my ability to write poetry, in expressing myself, to others. As if, a key has been fitted, into a locked door, opening it, to a new me, I never knew existed, 10 years ago, when I wrote my first poem, on March 30, 2007, since leaving high school, in June 1990.

'Em Fighting Words (February 25, 2017)

"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." 

Winston Churchill (June 4, 1940, speech to Parliament, in London, England)

The war has started

With your firing

The opening salvos

In the North Caroline Legislature

By passing ignorant based

HB2 legislation.

And now

This.

The revoking

Of President Obama's

Presidential decree

Allowing a trans-person

To use the washroom

Of their chosen gender.

Never thought

I would be saying

Or writing

These words:

"Thank you

President Trump."

For your words

And actions

Have united.

A diverse 

And fractured community

As one.

Against you.

As we girth up

For the coming battles

Once more

"Manning" the front line.

Like we did

At the Compton's Cafeteria riots

In San Francisco (August 1966).

Or

The Stonewall Riots

That started

On June 28, 1968.

Except

This time

We will be remembered

By history

For our actions.

In refusing

The Gay and Lesbian communities

To speak for us

Like before.

Advancing

The civil and human rights

Of all.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: The following is, an example of the growing anger, against President Trump., within the trans-community: https://ca.yahoo.com/news/caitlyn-jenner-calls-trump-transgender-082615889.html

Being Invisible (February 23, 2017)

Not sure

Why I'm feeling

Like  this

Today.

But

I am.

Like someone

Had draped

A veil

Over me.

Moving

Through life

Like a silent ghost.

Observing

Never really seen

By anybody.

As if

My life 

Doesn't matter.

Beyond

The space

I'm taking up

At the moment.

Is this

My depression speaking

Refusing 

To release me?

Soft sigh

Escapes me

As I ponder

This question.

Knowing

Whatever 

My answer is

I wouldn't like it.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: How I am feeling, right now.

Standing Tall (February 14, 2017)

I stand 

Before you

Across the great divide.

Covered

In blood and tears

From your anger.

A symbol

Of tolerance

And hope.

That your verbal

And physical assaults

Couldn't silence

Or kill.

Knowing

My chronic depression

Anxiety/panic attacks

And PTSD flashbacks

Are painful badges

I wear.

Like my heart

Upon the sleeve

Bearing witness

To all.

A silent symbol

Of non-violent resistance

To your ignorance

And oppression.

In the world

That growing darker

With each passing day.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: My resistance to President Trump's world view.

Tainted Love (February 13, 2017)

Change.

The one word

Most people dread

Like the plague.

And yet

Our daily life

Revolves

Around this.

A fact

That I learnt

The hard way.

Accidentally

"Outing" myself

To my mom.

On a holiday 

Long weekend

Surprise visit.

As if

My exploration

Of gender

And sexuality. 

Is a face slap 

To her raising me

As a child.

Never mind

For more years

Than I care

To remember.

I lived my life

Her way.

Filled with

Chronic depression

And multiple suicide

Attempts.

Courting Death

At any cost

To ease

My soul deep pain.

Upon her rejection

Of me

As her trans-lesbian

Daughter.

As I ran away

My eyed filled

With bitter tears

To Toronto.

After losing 

My apartment

In Brampton.

(A commuting suburb

Of Toronto).

(Knowing

Unconscientiously)

To move in

With her

Would be signing

My death certificate.

Wondering

Where her words

A lie?

To justify

Her abusive

Manipulative behaviour.

When she says

I love you

T------.

My birth name.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Had thought, of using the video for Soft Cell's Tainted Love, or looking for The Supreme's Where Did Our Love GO?, but realized, both songs deal with love and relationships, from a CIS point of view, for the straight and gay communities.

My mom has trouble, writing out or saying my name, Therisa, as if, it was a toxic poison. Often, in cards or conversations, she will behave, like I have never shared with her, my need to live my life, as a woman.

Clean Your Plate, There's.... (February 11, 2017)

Food.

A four letter

Curse word

In my daily lexicon.

Necessary evil

Rather avoid

But can't.

Needed

For my daily cocktail

I must take.

To ensure

My long term health.

Both

Mentally

And physically.

As I struggle

With various issues

In my life.

That shaped me

In whom

I am.

Truthfully

I see myself

As an ugly bloated

Beached whale.

Walking

On two legs.

A fact

Have struggled with

For most

Of my life.

Whereas

My ideal weight

People express concern

About my appearance

Being anorexic.

Like my constant battle

With depression.

I cycle

Between binging

And starving.

As if

I'm punishing

Myself.

Something

I started

At the age

Of 9.

Even now

In my starving periods

Eat just enough

For my meds

And nothing more.

Please understand

My shelves are full

With various healthy

Foods.

Just don't feel

Hungry.

Forcing myself

To eat something

For the meds.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Over the past 2 years, have talked with my medical team, about this, as it impacts, on my diabetes and other parts, of my overall health. 

Apocalypse 2030 (February 5, 2017)

Mommy

I'm scared."

"Hush baby

I'm here

Always."

"Mommy

Do you think

We'll disappear

Like Jenn

And her family did?"

"Sweetie

I don't know."

"Mommy

Someone is breaking

Our windows."

"Come here

We must move

To our hiding spot

Pumpkin."

  *  *  *

Corporal A

And your squad

Take the front.

While

Corporal B

And your men

Take the back.

   *  *  *

"Kevin Jonathan Rhys

AKA

Camilla Rhys.

You've been convicted

Of violating

The "Tranny" law

Of 2027.

Hereby

You and any companions

Are sentenced

To death.

   *  *  *

"Sir

Two subjects

Been neutralized."

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: An experiment of using just dialogue, to write this dark dyspotian poem, about a possible future US, where being transgender is, a capital crime, punished by death, for offending person, and those, around them. A future, which I hope, never occurs.

Faith: The Dark Side (February 1, 2017)

People view you

As the guiding light

In the dark tunnel

Of life.

And yet

Use your name

In vain.

Justifying

Their actions 

Of hate.

However

Irrational

They may be.

In which

Ignorance

And dogmatic behaviour

Is praised

To the highest order.

As millions

Are slaughtered.

Without

A second thought

Or any display

Of remorse.

By those

Who are considered

Rational

By many people.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: Throughout history, there are cases, which rational people have placed their faith and lives, in the hand of unstable leaders, like Jim Jones, and Adolph Hitler. Could Donald Trump, be one of these leaders, as President of the United States, given his recent actions, against Muslims, from politically unstable countries, with a large majority of the population, from entry, into the United States.