Death: The Card Of Transitioning (September 6, 2016)

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Calendar page

Flips over

From June

To July.

Forced to face

A reality.

I 

Rather

Not.

Of a personal

And family nature.

That gnaws 

At me

Like a cancer.

As I stand

Upon the cusp

Of change.

Fighting back

The bitter

And anger tears.

Knowing

There is

No going back

For me.

Either way

A part of my soul

Whither away.

Never

To return.

Either

Accept mom's view

Of who I am.

Or reject it.

Moving forward

As a woman

In a transphobic

And homophobic world.

Looking back

I realize

Now.

Mom's first toxic words

From her mouth

Made my decision.

As my relationship

With her

Died.

Marking

The road

I walk upon

Now.

Never realizing
The significance
Of the first card
I turned over
Until much later.

As for
The other two cards
They lay unturned
For now.

Only
The Goddess knows
What they are.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Late June and early July, is a deadly period of the year, for me. As I have lost or have come close, to losing many family members, during this part of the year. Losing my grandpa and oma, days apart on the calendar, separated by almost 2 decades. For my oma's funeral, I was one of three sets of siblings, who were pallbearers, for her. Ironically, her death hit me, the least, I had made my peace with her, and her release from the pain, she was suffering from blood/bone cancer, over her final year of life. 

Whereas, Canada Day, shall occupy, forever, in my mind, as my own personal "Day From Hell". Starting, in 1985, when my Dad had, his first major heart attack, while I was visiting family, in Edmonton, Alberta, for a couple of weeks. Upon returning, I told mom, "Dad had a heart attack. Did he?" To which, she turned ghostly white, hearing these words, from me. When she asked, who told me, I replied, "No one. I just knew." Little, did I realize, this marked the beginning of my "Summer of Hell", as my younger brother went ballistic and attacked mom and I, for several weeks, before dad was healthy enough, to be discharged, from the hospital, to come home. Forever, changing the family dynamics.

Next time, was Canada Day 2006, when mom showed up, unannounced, at my apartment, in Brampton, Ontario, after I had told her, specifically, I need the long weekend, alone, to deal with stuff. Little, did I know, she would use this, as an excuse, because I sounded "sad" over the phone. Never mind, I was on my vacation time, and trying to recharged myself, having worked, an average 60 hr/work, at my job, and helping mom out, on the weekends, when I didn't have the energy to do anything. To say, Antarctica was a warmer place than mom's reaction, to seeing me, in a red t-shirt, from Carleton University and a navy blue floral skirt, is the understatement of the century. Sadly, I have broken off, all contact with her, for my mental and physical health.