Thursday, 8 September 2016

Death: The Card Of Transitioning (September 6, 2016)
Calendar page
Flips over
From June
To July.

Forced to face
A reality.


Of a personal
And family nature.

That gnaws 
At me
Like a cancer.

As I stand
Upon the cusp
Of change.

Fighting back
The bitter
And anger tears.

There is
No going back
For me.

Either way
A part of my soul
Whither away.

To return.

Accept mom's view
Of who I am.

Or reject it.

Moving forward
As a woman
In a transphobic
And homophobic world.

Looking back
I realize

Mom's first toxic words
From her mouth
Made my decision.

As my relationship
With her

The road
I walk upon

Never realizing
The significance
Of the first card
I turned over
Until much later.

As for
The other two cards
They lay unturned
For now.

The Goddess knows
What they are.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Late June and early July, is a deadly period of the year, for me. As I have lost or have come close, to losing many family members, during this part of the year. Losing my grandpa and oma, days apart on the calendar, separated by almost 2 decades. For my oma's funeral, I was one of three sets of siblings, who were pallbearers, for her. Ironically, her death hit me, the least, I had made my peace with her, and her release from the pain, she was suffering from blood/bone cancer, over her final year of life. 

Whereas, Canada Day, shall occupy, forever, in my mind, as my own personal "Day From Hell". Starting, in 1985, when my Dad had, his first major heart attack, while I was visiting family, in Edmonton, Alberta, for a couple of weeks. Upon returning, I told mom, "Dad had a heart attack. Did he?" To which, she turned ghostly white, hearing these words, from me. When she asked, who told me, I replied, "No one. I just knew." Little, did I realize, this marked the beginning of my "Summer of Hell", as my younger brother went ballistic and attacked mom and I, for several weeks, before dad was healthy enough, to be discharged, from the hospital, to come home. Forever, changing the family dynamics.

Next time, was Canada Day 2006, when mom showed up, unannounced, at my apartment, in Brampton, Ontario, after I had told her, specifically, I need the long weekend, alone, to deal with stuff. Little, did I know, she would use this, as an excuse, because I sounded "sad" over the phone. Never mind, I was on my vacation time, and trying to recharged myself, having worked, an average 60 hr/work, at my job, and helping mom out, on the weekends, when I didn't have the energy to do anything. To say, Antarctica was a warmer place than mom's reaction, to seeing me, in a red t-shirt, from Carleton University and a navy blue floral skirt, is the understatement of the century. Sadly, I have broken off, all contact with her, for my mental and physical health.

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