Thursday, 11 May 2017

Bitter Ashes (May 11, 2017)

Was my birth
A moment of joy
Mom?

After
A stillborn daughter
And two miscarriages
On your previous attempts.

Followed up
By a preemie baby boy
Almost three years later.

Can tell you
My rebirth
As you daughter
Was nowhere near
A joyous occasion
For me.

Do you blame
Yourself
For having
A trans child?

Even though
The literature
Is mixed
On explaining
Transgenderism.

Thus
Took out 
Your misguided anger
On me?

Turning your love
Into fear and loathing.

As our relationship
Is a scarred 
And scorched battleground.

Like those
One sees 
On the evening news
From Syria.

With little hope
Of a resolution
Any time
Soon.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: For those, who don't know, I accidentally "outed" myself, to my mom, on July 1, 2006 (Canada Day), when she showed up, unannounced and unwanted, at my apartment, after I told her, I wanted the long weekend, for myself. Claiming, I sounded depressed and wanted to help me. The reality is, I was, at the end of my 2 weeks, of booked vacation time, and just wanted to relax, before going back to work. Having just got my ears pierced and started to dress more femme, in my off time, from work.What little time, I had.

In the following year, I got information, about local support programs and contact numbers, near my mom's rural home, like PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). Knowing my mom, she never called them, or showed up, for one of their support meetings.Tossed the brochures, into the recycle box, after I left her place, 

Before anyone starts calling me, a b*tch, you need to know, my mom told me, over the phone, in a cold and calculating voice: 

"Hell will freeze over, and you'll have to crawl on your hands and knees, begging for my forgiveness, before I think about it."

And she wasn't talking about Hell, Michigan, either. Yes, there is a place named that, which surprised me, given how puritanical, some Americans can be. 

9 comments:

  1. An honest and frank poem - I wish you luck and peace in the years ahead

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  2. I believe the joy was there at the childbirth, and I love the way this poem addresses the rebirth where the joy wanted to be shared but wasn't. Oh! While the battle continues to rage out there--what an image! Syria! -- may you hold joy in your heart.

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  3. Know that acceptance takes time. Initially, parents struggle to understand that something is unusual to them..but, slowly time heals, minimizes the trauma, and makes life easy.
    Society is changing the landscape of gender politics...so, don't lose hope, Therisa! Good Luck...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Panchali, for your hopeful thoughts, but, in regards, to my mom, I see little chance of her changing her mind. As she celebrated her 78 birthday, last month.

      This November will mark 4 years, since I have any interactions, with my mom. Any time, I have seen her, her eyes are filled with fear, despite her denial of this. Also, she refused to be seen with me, in public place, like a shopping mall. As if, my very presence will bring shame to her, for having a trans-daughter, instead of, a son.

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  4. I am sorry for some peoples' limitations, Therisa, and on their behalf, I apologize to you for the hurt that has been done to you. Society has a long way to go, but some folks are trying to get there. The main thing to know is that YOU know the rightness of being who you are. Those who cant get on board with that can stay away.

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  5. She will come around sometime. Hope is eternal :))

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  6. It is your life to live not others. Parents should be pleased when their children make decisions of their own and and stand on their own two feet.

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  7. This is heavy. I can't imagine what you've been through. It never ceases to amaze (and sadden me) how a parent can dismiss his/her child because they don't understand. Love is love, period. Excellent honest poem.

    ReplyDelete

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