Wednesday, 10 May 2017

The Loneliest Number (May 10, 2017)

How do I describe
This irrational feeling
That grips my soul
In its iron grasp.

Of this need
To run away
And hide
From people.

Simple things
Like taking transit
Triggers anxiety attacks
Bordering on
Outright panic attacks.

Needing outside help
To leave my apartment
For taking out
The garbage.

Self-hatred 
And self-loathing
Fill my soul.

As I rattle the bars
Of the invisible cage
Inside my mind
That holds me.

Hoping to find
One loose bar
To aid
My escape.

As another bout
Of agoraphobia
Sinks its talons.

Deep
Into my struggling soul
For who knows
How long.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: This will mark my third major bout of agoraphobia, in the past 8 years. The previous two bouts, lasted several months before I could resume, what passes for my normal life. I am hoping, that I am wrong, in view the past 6 months, as a warning sign, to a possible renewal of agoraphobia, which last visited me, two years ago, staying for 3 months, before departing, after Labour Day. There are times, I hate my body, for the mental and physical struggles, I face, on a daily basis.

11 comments:

  1. I do very much hope it doesn't take hold this time!

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    Replies
    1. So do I, Rosemary. The only positive thing, if you may call it, is that I had an explosion of poems to transcribe, afterwards.

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  2. Oh Therisa, as I read, I was wondering if this was or your really clever muse's imagination. You and Rosemary cared this. I don't know if you have a housemate, but either way it helped me for a bit to get in my car and keave, go someplace, still alone. Enjoy the ride and some music, just leave. I call it escape or running away, younger on my motorscooter or motorcycle.
    My main trouble is "running away" alone. Today I'll visit my dermatologist, an hour and a half away, each way. Many times at the last minute I will decide against a planned social outing.
    Excellent airing, it helped me.
    ..

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jim, am glad my poetry was able to help you.

      For the 16+ months, Rosemary has been reading my poems, and my struggles, with my health (both mental and physical). Not really sure, if this answers your question, when I say that is an intuitive written poem, guided by my subconsciousness.

      My three roommates are Venus, Star, and Squeak, who love, in ways that cats can only do. Otherwise, I live alone, in my small apartment.

      Delete
  3. Wow. I can't imagine what you go through during these bouts. This is a nicely written poem and I imagine it took some courage to be so honest. Nicely done.

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    Replies
    1. Best way, to describe it, Justin, is like facing an invisible mental barrier that won't let you live life. As for my poem, it speaks for me, when I can't verbally do so. And yes, it can be harsh, but honest, about what I dealing with. Thank you, Justin, for taking the time, to read this.

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    2. I have a long history of depression and the "invisible mental barrier" that you speak of, though slightly different in my case, is a perfect way to describe a mental/physical/emotional issue that holds a person back. I think facing it head-on, as you seem to be doing, is the only way to get through it.

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  4. Ugh! I suffered some of that for a stretch a while back... a bit more like claustrophobia that caused agorophobia if that makes sense. Which is to say, I feel this. Hope it passes very soon, argh!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Marian. So do I. Two of my worse panic attacks, happened, while taking transit to meetings, on the subway and a streetcar, to the point, I was almost catatonic, from the panic attacks. My apartment is very small, and for some people. it causes them, to experience claustrophobia, while I feel comfortable, here.

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  5. So hard to read of another's suffering knowing there is little one can do but offer hope. Keep writing. Keep moving forward.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Paul, right now, that support is greatly welcome, knowing, I'm not totally isolated, as I work my way, forward.

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