Friday, 7 April 2017

Reclaiming My Soul (April 6, 2017)

Peace.

A five letter word
Am struggling
To come to terms
With.

In feeling
The bottled anger
Thrusting up
Against my self-imposed
Mental barriers
For most of my life.

Blaming myself
For the abuse/bullying
In not being
Good enough
To protect me.

As the physical
And verbal blows
Rain down
On my body
And soul.

Internalizing
Those negative words
Within my inner critic's voice
Attacking myself
Years later.

As I battle
Self-doubt
And low self-esteem
In isolating myself
From others.

Even now
It's a struggle
I fight
On a daily basis.

Knowing
It's one of my pillars
Of my soulscape
I have to rebuild
For true healing
And inner peace.

Therisa © 2017

Author's note: For more years, than I can remember, I have been struggling, to find that balance, which will give me, true inner peace. Having hit such depths, that I have spent the better part of 3 years, constantly suicidal, as a teenager, without telling anyone of my struggle, during my last years of high school, until decades, afterward.  Even now, on a daily basis, I have suicidal thoughts, in my mind, depending on the severity of my depression, are mostly static background noise, I am able to ignore. And yes, my medical team, is aware of this, as I have shared this, with them. It's one of the questions, I get asked, whenever, I see my nurse practitioner. Along with, how do I rate my level of depression, on a scale of 0-10, 0 being depression free, and 10: having attempted to commit suicide. 

For I have never reached true equilibrium, that balance point, between being manic and depressed, in my life. Even during the time that I was taking a cocktail of several anti-depressants, and suffering in silence, as my body rebelled against them, with constant side effects, which made my life, a constant living Hell. Ranging from constant migraine headaches, from two different drugs to bloating, gaseous and severe cramping, from another drug (only thing missing from my constant period, was the blood on my panty). Worse, several of these medications used a form of sugar, as their delivery vehicle, into the body. Part of the reason, why many people with depression, have a higher than normal rate of type II diabetes.

10 comments:

  1. Therisa, it is a struggle at times, my friend, when one has been so badly mistreated and abused. You must know it was not your dault. It was the fault of the abuser, who must live with his own unhappiness for his actions, whether he consciously knows it or not. You are a survivor though and your words I am sure must help others who read them. Shine on.

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  2. I do hope that poetry is a cathartic outlet and helps with that battle for peace. Don't ever give up.

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  3. It is best to leave the baggage behind and forget everything in the past.There are lots of others in a far worst position. So just move forward. When this is done, it would immediately free oneself of 50% of the worries and bother.

    Now walk confidently towards the future, that's it! The remaining 50% will work out its strength and purpose much to one's surprise! It has worked before, Therisa! Just forget every thing and work from a clean slate. You'll be amazed!

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
  4. I do hope someday you can find contentment both with yourself and the world. Hopefully you will find others who are not judgemental in whose company you can relax and enjoy life as you not not been able to before.

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  5. I think the battle is there in more people you might imagine... but when you are bruised in the way you are, these things become a matter of survival...

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  6. Back for another read. Sharing your experience is hopefully a release for you, Therisa. On my journey, it was the growth of self-worth that grew distance between that old pain. We come to understand we cant allow those people to continue to impact our present as they did in the past.But healing does take time. I am glad you have a support system.

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  7. I'm inclined to agree with Hank. Just yesterday I added this wise quote to my quote journal:
    "If you focus on what lies behind, you'll never find what lies ahead". Something to think about. You have a wondrous way with words, Therisa.

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  8. In my experience it has always been worth the struggle if approached with confidence. Keep writing.
    ZQ

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  9. The poem is powerful in its own right. And the back story – OMG. I so often leave your blog having been reminded how ignorant I am of many things. It is a general ignorance, of course, and I'm glad your posts are enlightening some of us at least. It may not be what we would prefer to contemplate, but it's necessary and important that we know. And you always tell it with such raw honesty and innate dignity.

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  10. Wishing you peace along your poetic journey

    Wishing you a lovely month of May and inviting you to link to Monday WRites

    😊😊😊😊😊😊
    much love...

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