Thursday, 13 October 2016

To Wish Impossible Dreams (October 13, 2016)

There are days
Like this
That I feel like
A total fraud.

As if
My very existence
Is an outright lie.

No matter
What I do.

Feeling like
I'm stuck
In those dark 
And violent days
Of my childhood.

Wanting 
To hide away
In the deepest corner
Of my apartment.

Like
The little girl
I feel like
Right now.

Knowing
I don't have
Dad's strong arms
To wrap me
In a supportive hug.

The type
He shared
Freely
Growing up.

Just once
I wish
For one 
Of those hugs.

For my tears 
To flow
Upon his shoulders.

Holding my daemons
Afar
For another day.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This November 15th, will mark the 18th anniversary of my dad's death, from a fatal heart attack, on November 13th. And I find myself, missing him, more than ever, as he tried to encourage me, even though, he didn't understand the needs, I had, as a child, growing up, being ashamed of my need, to be female. 

12 comments:

  1. It is wonderful you had a loving father, Therisa. If a child has one strong supporter who believes in him or her, it makes all the difference. For me, it was my grandma. Eighteen years without him must feel very hard. That love still exists, however, between he and you.

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  2. I miss my dad too. I'm glad you have fond memories of him, wanting to comfort even though he didn't understand exactly what you needed.

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    Replies
    1. Ironically, we're polar opposite of each other, emotionally and how we express ourselves. As a 6 yr old child, he told me, "to suck it up", and couldn't express his pride, when I got my BA, from Carleton University, in 1994. And yet, he was there, when my bouts of depression and anxiety, threaten to overwhelm me, as suicidal thoughts dominated my world, back then. Unlike my mom, who would smother me, without addressing my concerns.

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  3. Your piece today is palpable--you must miss him--love is wonderful and painful

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    Replies
    1. I do, Audrey, but I know, his time was finished, here. To go against his wishes, for my own needs, would have selfish. For he was brain-dead, and I was following his wishes, by removing the life-support machines, from him, on November 14, 1998. For 28+ years, he was there, for me.

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  4. No one is truly gone who lives on in our memories. Draw strength from him still.

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  5. I don't think anyone's existence is "an outright lie". Best wishes to you. You provided a nice remembrance of your father centered around wanting one of his hugs.

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  6. I was just talking to my daughter about this today --- the immense sorrow of having lost a parent. It's like a haunting, all the little things that remind you of them, not just when they die, but before --- when they begin to age, fade, change, depart from who you knew and counted on as a child. Sometimes it's a decade plus of little losses before the final smothering of light.

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  7. To have a parent to protect you is the best of things, I feel so sorry that he left too early.

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  8. This is so poignant.. especially "For my tears to flow upon his shoulders. Holding my daemons afar for another day."

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  9. The connection you feel is alive and well and evidenced in your words here. Hold onto that.

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  10. I am sorry you lost him and I'm glad you had him.

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