Saturday, 27 August 2016

Only If.... (September 4, 2012)

Another
School year
Is starting up
And I find myself
Looking backwards.

Wondering
What if 
I had gone
To my senior prom.

As
Whom I am
A girl
Dressed in
A formal dress.

While
Alphaville's
"Forever young"
Is played
As the last song.

Alas
This isn't
The reality
Of what happen.

Instead
I stayed home
Conflicted
Between perception
And reality.

Of
Having to wear
To a suit
If I wished
To attend.

Might
As well been
Wearing a straitjacket
Is how I feel
About having to
Wear a suit.

Sigh.

Therisa © 2012

Author's note: During the 1980's, HIV/AIDS was emerging, in the general public, as a dead disease that killed many members of the LGBT+ community. As a teenager, struggling with gender identity, in this time period, there was no resources available to me, like there is, today. I felt totally isolated and a freak, for feeling trapped, in the wrong body, despite, what everyone else told me, contrary to my thoughts. In the Ontario school systems, there was no mention of being trans or bisexual, for Phy. Ed teachers, only mentioned gay and lesbians, during the health unit, along with various methods of birth control. Sadly, when they did mention the gays/lesbians, they did so, uneasy, making cruel comments and jokes, about them. 

Maybe, some day, I will be able to have my prom moment, and not feel shamed, for wanting to express my inner self, to the world. Until then, I can only dream, what that night have been like, for me.


19 comments:

  1. This is sad, Therisa. In our high school, there are fifty kids who identify as gay, lesbian or trans, and things have evolved enough that they are comfortable being out. They and some advocates are campaigning for gender neutral washrooms in the high school. So we have come a little ways along the path, too bad it has taken us so long.

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    Replies
    1. It's a start, Sherry, more than I can say, what I experience, during the late 1980s, as a high school student, in Brampton, Ontario. Various Ontario school boards have set up schools for LGBT+ students and their allies, to protect them, from the hate and intolerance that is reflective, in the student body, at large. One day, I hope to see these school closed, and to see straight and LGBT+ students, sitting, side by side, as one body of students.

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, Mosk, it's something that I needed to write and get out of my system.

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  3. Oh this makes me sad to read... I still remember the song however... I was at university then I think... I hope you can dance at it in your kitchen.

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    Replies
    1. Every time, I hear that song, tears streak down my face, as I think, how far society has still to go, before true acceptance is reached, for everyone. Even now, almost 26 years, after my prom night.

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  4. Back for another read......Forever Young......that song takes me back to coffeehouse days when we really thought we would be forever young. Nice to see you linking. The Risa.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, those days are way before my time, as they were closing down, when I was born, in 1970. Although, this song does have many memories for me, some of them, very painful. Whenever I hear it, I imagine myself, dancing, in a prom dress, with my date, for the night. A reality that wouldn't happened, in 1990, given how homophobic, society was, back then.

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  5. A striking song, which I was unaware of before. Can't help thinking, yes youth is a wonderful (albeit difficult) time – but if we could hang on to any stage of life, we would miss what comes next. In your case, however, you were robbed of something that should have been part of your youth.

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    Replies
    1. Rosemary, I was robbed of many things, in my life, starting at the age of 5, until I was 35, when I realized my true self, standing over my dad's grave, in the veterans' section of a cemetery, An unusually warm mid-November drizzle blanketed the land, as I cried, revealing myself, to dad's buried ashes, before I rushed to catch a transit bus, to take me, to work that mid-week morning.

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  6. Aww, I'm so sorry you never got to your prom. I didn't either but just because I was shy and socially awkaward. I hope you're able to feel good about expressing yourself these days.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mary, have heard of an organization that has given members of the LGBT+ community, here, their chance of experiencing the prom, they never had, as high school students. Maybe, one day, I will have. Truthfully, I have no intentions of attending any high school reunion, if I did get the invitation, to do so. That part of my life is done and over, as far as I am concerned.

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  7. I hope you get to have your prom moment. It is so sad people try to place their judgement on a soul without feeling the pain it inflicts. Hugs dear one.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Susie. For too many people it's easier to prejudge a person, than take the time to talk and learn about them. Even among the LGBT+ community, this happens.

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  8. Hi Therisa. I like this post and am sending love across the interwebz!
    That song... Alphaville. I just turned 50 and was admonished by a friend when I referred to it, and I have been thinking a lot about that. Really, it's a capsule of another time and I'm preferring to move forward at the age and in the self I inhabit now, rather than lamenting what could have been and trying to hold on to youth. It is not easy at all, but I have been working on it.
    I hope you get to let your freak flag fly and dance in all the spectacular glory of YOU soon!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Marian. Just realized now, four years later, I could have chosen The Cure's, "Why Can't I Be You". For me, this song (Alphaville's "Forever Young) has a sense of sadness, to it, that we're moving on, from this stage of our's lives, to another. And yeah, it's a time capsule from another era of my life, when I was openly gothic, in a preppy high school. Go figure.

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    2. We would have been friends in high school, I am certain of it! xo

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  9. I didn't care about my senior prom and still don't. Lol! I can understand your feelings though, it's not the going for you it's the right to go as you please. Hope it will get easier for you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Bekkie, for the love and support. Sadly, too many LGBT+ students are being denied this choice, still, today, in Canada and the United States. And yes, I can understand and respect your feeling towards your prom.

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