Monday, 2 May 2016

One Victory, In An Endless War (April 30, 2016)

Oh my Goddess
I'm doing it
As I sit
On the westbound subway
To downtown.

Having agreed
To an afternoon out
With a friend
At the movies.

Taking a chance
On happiness
Over my chronic fear
Of being triggered
For anxiety/panic attacks.

Previously
Having rejected
All other requests.

Be lying
If I said
I wasn't anxious
About being anxious
Around crowds.

Especially
Travelling through
Yonge-Bloor station.

The site
Of many anxiety attacks
Over the years.

Although
I arrived there
With plenty of time
And (relatively)
Anxiety-free
At the theatre.

It's a journey
I wouldn't want
To do
On a daily basis.

Feeling like
Am playing
A version of Russian Roulette
With my sense
Of personal space.

But knowing
Just getting here
I have faced
Several personal daemons
And won.

Huge victory
For an afternoon outing
By me.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: This afternoon (April 30, 2016), I saw my first movie (Mother's Day), in a theatre, since June 2007 (Ratatouille), when I was living, in a downtown Toronto woman's homeless shelter. Normally, I wait, until a particular movie comes out, on DVD/Blu-Ray, before I see it. Being in settings, which has large crowds, is one of my triggers, for anxiety/panic attacks, while I try to avoid taking the public transit, during the rush hour periods. Or, attend events that will attract large crowds, liking seeing a film, during the evening or the weekend matinees.

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