Friday, 12 February 2016

Trypanophobia (February 10, 2016)


1.  the act of avoiding or keeping away from:
the avoidance of scandal; the avoidance of one's neighbors.

2. Law. a making void; annulment.

I hold you
Within my hands
Unable to
Push the trigger.

To draw
The needed blood
For testing
My glucose levels.

As if
I was holding
A poisonous snake
About to sink
Its venomous fangs
Into my body.

Never mind
I face
The possibility
Of needing to use

To control
What pills can't

I have long memories
Of being held
Or threaten
By medical staff.

As they try
To inject medication
Or draw my blood.

Those early years
I had to undergo
Several corrective surgeries
To repair my mouth
From a severe electrical burn.

And those
Torturous visits
To the dentist
With his hamfisted touch
Around my constricted

A frustrated sigh
At these triggering memories
From my childhood.

* * *

Against my body
It rest
For that final push
Into me.

My hands shaking
With anxiety
Like a Fall leaf
In a gentle breeze.

As I tell myself
I can do it
Over and over
Like a silent mantra
In my head.

Only to
Walk away
In fear
And Frustration.

At another failed attempt
To prick myself
For that bead
Of blood.

Never mind
Those times
I couldn't inject myself
With saline.

In the vain hope
Of relieving
My fears
About needles
And injecting myself.

No matter
How small or big
A needle is
A needle.

An object of fear
And avoidance
For me.

Therisa © 2016

Author's note: Not sure, if anyone can truly appreciate, my utter fear of needles, given my current medical situation, of facing the strong possibility of having to inject myself, with Insulin. During my last visit, with my nurse practitioner, we talked about my lack of test results for the glucose monitor and what I was going to do, to improve the number of times that I use it, to test myself. She suggested, I do the bare minimum of 4 tests/week, which means, before and after breakfast, after lunch and after supper, to build up, a database to get a clearer picture, of how my body is breaking down glucose. Sadly, in the 11 days since, the appointment, I have did it, only twice. Am hoping, this weekend, to have tested myself, 3 times, as it’s a long weekend, in Ontario.

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