Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Why Can't I Be You? (January 26, 2016)


www.motherjones.com

Courage:
[kur-ij, kuhr-]

noun
1.
the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2.
Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.
Idioms
3.
have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.


A gentle
But sad sigh
Escapes my lips
As tears roll down
My face.

In trying
To find
That inner strength.

That you say
Shines like a beacon
Through the darkness
I have walked
In my journey
To here.

Having lost
Everything of value
To my body and soul.

For this need
Of mine.

Correcting
A genetic birth defect
Being born
Within the wrong body
Of a male.


Which
Society views
As normal.

Despite
Viewing myself
As a woman trapped
Within a male shell
Of a body.

Won't burden you
With the years
Of abuse and bullying
That has marked my life.

Since
I realized
This inner truth
At the tender age
Of four.


Within my head
The voices
Of my abusers
Ringing out.

Cursing me
With such crude
And hurtful language.

No child should
Ever know.

Fuelling their need
For power
And control.

By expressing
Their fear
At that
Which
Is different.

Sadly
As adults
These children
Haven't learnt their lessons.

As the fire
Of transphobia
And homophobia
Burns brightly
In their souls.

Consuming
Whatever remains
Of their logic centre
In a Gray hateful ash.

And yes
There times
I have felt
My life
At risk.

In spite
Of this fact
I move forward
In my healing pilgrimage.

Uniting my body
With the feminine soul
I was born
Within.


Thus
Completing
This cycle.


Therisa © 2016


Author's note: By the age of twelve, I had attempted, at least 3 different times, to end my life, which I have never told my parents, about. My last 3 years of high school, was marked, by a nightly visit to the kitchen, where I tried to pierce my chest, with one of the meat knives, but I lack the strength to push it, into my chest cavity.


After coming out, accidently, to my mom, over the 2006 Canada Day long weekend, she told me:


"Hell would have to freeze over, and I would have to, come crawling on my hands and knees, begging her, for forgiveness, before she would think about it."


Needless, to say, I was thrown for a dark suicidal depression that lasted, the entire month of July. Nearly costing my job, as a result. With the help and support of a very special friend, I wouldn't be here, to share this, with the world. Thank you, Z.


The title of this poem, is a reference to the British Goth group, The Cure, who's dark and melodic tunes have helped me, during my bout of dark depression. Also, refers to my needing to live my life, as a woman, who is...simply elegance.



18 comments:

  1. Your journey is definitely an example of courage; and thank you for your openness in this poem. It does take courage to be open.

    No one should have to endure abuse for being the person one really is inside. I am glad you are moving forward, and I wish you a successful and meaningful journey!

    And keep writing your poetry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mary, for your very kind words. Please pardon me, as I have wipe away the tears, as I read your response.

      Delete
  2. I agree with Mary, it takes a lot of courage to share your life story with others. Kudos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sanaa, for your generous words. Right now, I don't feel so courageous, in wanting to hide, until February 5th is over.

      Delete
  3. Happy that courage has taken you this far

    much love...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Gillena, for your support and love.

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  4. Thank you for giving us this incredible example of courage. I am sorry that ignorance makes people behave from fear, rather than love. But I am so glad you found a friend, that you're pursuing your truth and seeking your happiness, which you deserve. I'm sure it took courage to write this. I feel privileged to read it.

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    Replies
    1. Your welcome and thanks, Myrna. Sadly, in too many countries, being LGBT+, means, having a death warrant against you. While, Canada and the US, is safer for the LGBT+ community, suicides and murders, still happen, to us.

      Delete
  5. Wow! You capture an entire history, personal and political, in a few words and in a single poem. It takes courage to affirm and affirm despite all, and I know many to whom this poem would be balm. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, my profs, at Carleton University (1990-94), didn't appreciate my brevity, in my test and exam answers. Oh well.

      Seriously, Susan, please feel free to share this. All, I ask, is that you acknowledge, who wrote this poem. Your welcome. Healing should know no boundaries.

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  6. Therisa, I don't know that I have ever read a braver or more moving poem and I thank you for trusting us with your truth. My hat is off to you. I am so glad you found poets united and hope you keep coming back so we can walk this part of your journey with you. I am truly moved by your post and by the journey you have made. I especially love your closing words about living your life as a woman of elegance. Shine on, kiddo! And keep coming back, okay?

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sherry, for your kind words of support and encouragement. Often times, when I'm writing about my past, I disassociate, unable to see or feel the emotions that the reader is commenting upon. Call it, being "wordblind", to coin the term.

      I had planned to write something, totally different, focusing of the plight of the LGBT+ communities, in eastern Europe and Africa. How being oneself, is a crime that can be punishable by death or a life sentence, in a prison cell.

      For I never know, what my subconscious mind is going to speak to me, as I write my verses.

      Delete
  7. As we would say down here in the deep South, bless your heart. Thank you for coming by and posting your poem here on Poets United. Wow, now that took a lot of courage! and then to be so honest - I am so proud of you. LGBT community catches so much crap and hate. I cannot imagine such hate. My best long time friend (for longer than you have probably been in the world) is a lesbian and was my husband's "best man" at our wedding. When I tell her of this poem, I know she will repeat me with a "bless her heart". A woman of elegance...what a proud and brave statement. I like that. I like the pic of you with onions. Are you on your way to a career in restaurant work/chef? I hope you succeed. In another life, I was a chef. Hard work but soooo worth it and more women are now into it and...at last...being respected. I hope you will post again here. I also have panic disorder but it has gotten better in the last few years. Truly. So you just keep shining on. And please do take care of yourself. We need more good poets in this world than we need assholes. dVerse Poets Pub where I am a team member is also another good poetic community. Good people here, good people there. Keep up your courage no matter how scary it gets. Keep up the most excellent writing. And again, as we say down South, hey, y'all do be a stranger!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Toni, but I found that photo, while searching for an image to use for an earlier poem, on this site (January 13, 2016), which I titled, "Prepping For Soul Soup". For me, cooking is an expression of my battle with chronic depression, meaning, I'm getting closer to equilibrium, but never fully reaching it. Even, with taking a cocktail of anti-depressions, under medical care.

      I was introduced to writing poetry, by the leader of my MTF support group, more than 9 years ago. Before March 30, 2007, I haven't written any poetry, outside of my high school English classes.

      Thank you, for the kind invite, to your poetry site. I have a lot of love, to share here, first, before expanding to other sites.

      Next Tuesday, marks another birthday, as I push ever closer, to 50 and the set of health tests and exams, I'm not looking forward to. Especially, the prostate exam.

      Delete
  8. It seems the dictonary needs to amend their definitions based on your fantastic courage and all those similarly experiencing great hatred and ignorance.

    4. The ability to persevere in spite of great tribulations, hatred and ignorance.

    Bravo!

    Also, you've bared so much here and concerning suicide...Thank you for not carrying through with it, we need more beautiful minds in this world. The courage to live and persevere strikes deep at the dark heart of hate.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Luk, but there are others, who are more deserving of this honour than I. I have been lucky to have met the right people, at the right time, in my journey of healing. Truthfully, I don't feel comfortable, in being placed, in the spotlight like this.

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  9. I love these shiny words so full of honesty, patience and forbearance....they do inspire & give light and courage to others who carry on a tough journey on life's thorny path...

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    1. Thank you, Sumana. I am, but one person, who has experience such hardship, in seeking out their true inner self. Just lucky, I have a way with words, in expressing myself, which I have trouble, in vocalize, to others.

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